Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Things I'm Not Supposed to Like (or: If wrasslin' is fake, I don't wanna be real), Prt 1

One-liner: The only way to kill a midget is by stabbing him with a smaller, sharper midget.



Wrasslin’

“It’s fake!” So are movies. So are plays. So is my personality. But movies are still enjoyable, plays are still watchable, and I still get a hollow feeling after making people laugh.

“Oh it’s just gay, guys in tights groping each other.” What’s gay about it, is it the barbed-wire baseball bats smacking flesh? Is it the steel chairs being drop kicked into peoples friggin’ jaws? I’m sorry, is this gay?

Is this gay?

IS THIS GAY??!!

Silly soap operas with lead pipes and carnage.


Musicals

West Side Story touches me in a way it shouldn’t touch a straight man. (with its penis)




Axl Rose’s voice

It’s different, but effective. A combo of Johnny Rotten sneer, metal malice, bluesy soul, and a hyena being mutilated by 700 screeching bats, all with little Gilbert Gottfried heads (singing “My Michelle”)




Kid Rock
I know.

I know.

I KNOW, CALM DOWN ALREADY.

He’s a retard.

BUT. If someone told you, “Hey there’s this retard at a trailer park who dresses in gaudy rapper bling but raps about being white trash and before he starts rapping a midget hits a gong!” I hope you’d check it out. There’s method to this retarded-ness.




The Challenger crash

Nah, not really.




Country Fried Videos
America’s Funniest Home videos, but with rednecks, doin' stunts and throwin' stuff into other stuff. Everyone’s favorite blue-collar workin’ man comic Bill Engvall sits at a diner and provides commentary and puns. Examples:

-People lounging and eating on a dock, minding their own business, when a redneck on a jet-ski comes crashing down through their table and knocks some fat woman into the water. Bill Engvall says: “Now that’s what I call crashin’ a party!”

-A redneck woman is making stew. A bowling ball falls into it, and stew splashes everywhere. Bill Engvall: “Now that’s what I call a stew of a situation!”

-A kitten is batting a piece of string. A larger cat is seen creeping up slowly behind it. The kitten doesn’t see the other cat and keeps playing. The larger cat gets ready to pounce. A jet ski crashes through and lands on both cats. Engvall: “Now that’s what I call a stew of a situation!”……..Producer: “Mr. Engvall, there’s no stew in that video.” Engvall: “GRITS N BACON. MMM!”


A regular feature on the show is Steve McGranahan, World’s Strongest Redneck. Each segment is a video of him doing something like: chewing glass, juggling with bowling balls, bending railroad spikes with his teeth.


Things I want Steve McGranahan to do to prove his strength:

- play badminton with a railroad spike
- pull a rug out from under someone, then pull the floor out from under them
- pass a kidney stone that is actually a croquet ball
- punch oncoming traffic
- rape an oil rig
- lynch a manatee and use it as a punching bag



Things I’m Supposed to Like (and do):

MONKEYS

8 comments:

jess said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zJXwa00dqg&feature=channel

let's adopt a baby gorilla.

Tyler said...

"punch oncoming traffic"... classic.

SONNY said...

Like 99% of the world I could give a shit about your hippy faggot blog.......the real question is where is my name on your list of comedy pals.....I thought we were cool but now I realize that your the little hipster long haired faggot that I thought you were....
go fuck yourself I hope you get ball cancer

eli sairs said...

reasons you weren't on here: it kept saying the url wasn't readable and you're from baltimore anyway.


real reason: you're some baltimore drug-dealing wigger faggot who found out he could say "balls" into a microphone and retards would laugh. go deal some crack and do some more prison time, you'll be safer there than next time i see you when i punch your throat and make you eat my taint, and don't lecture me cause I'm not even in youre top myspace friends you crack-dealing nutsack, I hope you get raped by a retarded gorilla with aids.





let's write together soon.

SONNY said...

Touché my little faggoty friend

Now I know how you really feel
And don't patronize me now by putting my name on you list & for anyone thinking "wow sonny used the word patronize correctly" suck my taint

P.s. Guess what Eli, I'm fucking your girlfriend.....you heard right I'm fucking your gal but I only fuck her in the ass because if I fuck her puss it would get all stretched out and then u would know she was violated by a bigger,better man

eli sairs said...

HAHA SCK IT ELI U THIINK U FUNNY BUT I KNOW YOURE PASSWORD AND AM SIGNED IN UNDER YOUR ACCOUNT.
YEAH REAL FUNNY MAKIN MY LINK ALL CAPS WHAT U THINK U FUNNY OR SOME SHIT? WELL U R AND I WANNA SAY RIGHT NOW IWAS WROGN AND ELI IS CLEARLY SUPPERIOR IN HIS JOKES AND PHYSICALLY AND EVERIWAY POSSIBL. I CAN ONLY HOPE TO BE AS AWESOME AS U ALRIGHT PEACE IMA GO SNUGGLE WIT' A DUDES HAIRY CHEST

-SONNY

bbd149 said...

Eli. . .












Why don't you have a link to my page on here???

Michael said...

Wow you two live on the edge what with all the swears and so forth.