Oh, Good

Oh hi there!

2011-05-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

Hi, you probably followed a link from one of the blogs (maybe We Love DC?) that's been covering the upcoming 3 Chord Comedy show.

Since I haven't updated in forever, and the first couple pages are mostly plugs, I've selected some of my favorite posts for you. Try these, friend:

Spider-Man Begins

Things I'm Not Supposed to Like (or: If Wrasslin' is Fake, I Don't Wanna be Real)

Top 5 Favorite Suicides

Top 20 Movie Deaths, Prt. 1

And Prt. 2

And less morbid:

A Post About Aminals

Thanks for stoppin' by! Let's hang out more!

2011-03-10T19:37:00.001-08:00

Oh right, my comedy career!

More blogs to come, I hope...

2010-09-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

Proust Questionnaire

2010-07-21T10:18:00.001-07:00

Because I'm important. And an adult. I've no time for surveys of the "OMG I LUV SKITTLES LOL" nature.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

Tyranny of the majority.

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND?

Restless.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OCCUPATION?(WAY OF SPENDING TIME)

Making inside jokes with friends, or isolated with books and movies. On a stage, in the heat of performance. Walking.

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURE DO YOU MOST IDENTIFY WITH?

Lowly court jesters who mocked kings.

WHICH LIVING PERSON DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?

Mom and dad.

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE FICTIONAL HEROS?

Jay Gatsby, Huck Finn, Prince Myshkin, Chaplin’s “Little Tramp,” Randle McMurphy, “Mad” Max Rockatansky, The Bad Lieutenant (Keitel), Mark Renton, Jason Vorhees, Eric Cartman

WHO ARE YOUR REAL-LIFE HEROES?

Trey Parker, Bob Dylan, Steve Martin, Christopher Hitchens, Doug Stanhope, Eugene Mirman, Akira Kurosawa, Chipper Jones

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF EARTHLY HAPPINESS?

The ability to be freshly happy and content with something or some situation you’ve long become accustomed to.

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE PROSE WRITERS?

Dostoevsky, Fitzgerald, Twain, Faulkner, Plato, Kierkegaard

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE POETS?

Blake, Yeats, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Langston Hughes

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE MUSICIANS?

Bob Dylan, Robyn Hitchcock, Green Day

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE PAINTERS?

Magritte, Monet

WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU HAPPIEST?

Atlanta Braves game as a birthday present from my dad, Bentzen Ball comedy festival in DC, Grandma Bubba’s desert house in California, birthday party with comics, walks home from school with a couple friends in Bama, several hours joking with my brothers, OU, countless comedy stages.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST OBVIOUS CHARACTERISTIC?

Smart-ass-itude.

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE (HATE) IN YOURSELF?

That my judgment can be clouded with anger so easily; the inability to know what “deplore” means without clarification.

WHAT IS THE TRAIT YOU MOST DEPLORE IN OTHERS?

False or mis-guided compassion.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE?

Overstatement of some position for the sake of humor or excitement.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE JOURNEY?

Starving artist, struggling to the top, etc.

WHAT DO YOU MOST DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE?

I like me fine.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER THE MOST OVER-RATED VIRTUE?

Pacifism (sometimes).

WHICH WORDS OR PHRASES DO YOU MOST OVER-USE?

Ironic hate-speech.

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Less of the anxiety that leads to a retreat into lethargy. Less knee-jerk disagreement.

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT?

Too young to answer this one, I hope – but as of now, remaining generally good-hearted while trying to break into a business full of back-stabbing and two-facedness.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE?

Alabama, New Orleans, Atlanta, New York City, some desert, Italy, a Scandinavian country, Holland.

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A MAN?

Complicated thinking and understanding. Guts. Generosity.

WHAT IS THE QUALITY YOU MOST ADMIRE IN A WOMAN?

The above, but add a sense of humor, an appreciation of art and a rebellious streak.

WHO ARE YOUR FAVORITE HEROINES OF HISTORY?

Jane Austin, Gilda Radner

WHAT IS IT YOU MOST DISLIKE?

Stifling of free-expression, and the many fraudulently compassionate defenses of its stifling.

WHAT DO YOU VALUE MOST IN YOUR FRIENDS?

The ability to feel like my friend even after we’ve parted ways (which I often fail at).

WHAT NATURAL GIFT WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO POSSESS?

A little more patience.

WHAT HISTORICAL FIGURES DO YOU MOST DESPISE?

Anyone who killed, or encouraged killing or censorship in the name of a religion.

WHAT EVENT IN MILITARY HISTORY DO YOU MOST ADMIRE?

The Danish rescuing of the Jews, the Revolutionary War.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?

Middle fingers extended.

IF YOU WERE TO DIE AND COME BACK AS A PERSON OR AN ANIMAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE?

A silly goose.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO (WORDS YOU LIVE BY OR THAT MEAN A LOT TO YOU)?

"Don't have a motto."

Hoping for a safe and full recovery

2010-07-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

Here's to hoping the rhetorical prize-fighter will return to the ring in top form.

One Year Anniversary!

2010-06-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

Look at these creds: Creator of the website "Look at this fucking hipster (dot com)," Joe Mande's been on VH1's "Best Week Ever" and Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham."

He was Time Out New York’s “Best New Comedian” of 2009. That is just too many creds to pass up.

One year anniversary show! (Also, there is a new AC system in the place, so it won't be too hot)

July 9th --- $5 --- 7 pm --- Velvet Lounge

Joe Mande (Comedy Central, and all that stuff above)

Jimmy Meritt (DC Improv)

Jake Young (DC Improv)

Tyler Sonnichsen (NC Comedy Fest)

Eli Sairs (Bentzen Ball)

Everybody, let's rock

2010-05-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

From July 4, 2001

2010-04-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Edit: Above was a clip from an earlier "South Park" episode showing the prophet muhammad. Viacom has removed it from YouTube.

On the threats to South Park and subsequent censorship:

Here (a CNN clip)

Here (a New York Times article)

Here (the threatening site gets hacked)

and

Jon Stewart takes it on

A statement from Trey Parker and Matt Stone (the show's creators) --

In the 14 years we’ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldn’t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasn’t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyle’s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didn’t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. We’ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and we’ll see what happens to it.

It really, really, really could happen

2010-04-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

2010-03-18T14:56:00.001-07:00

Favorite Fifteen: Comedians

2010-02-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

Steve Martin

It's like those French have a different word for everything....

Eugene Mirman

"If you're being attacked by a bear, play dead"....that sounds like a rumor that bears spread...

Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

Bill Hicks

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? -- "Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Richard Pryor

White people say -- "Why do black people always hold their things? Why do you guys hold your things?" Cause you done took every thing else, motherfucker!

Doug Stanhope

They called the school shooting "The ultimate act of Cowardice." The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Chris Rock

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail.

Bill Burr

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, 'You know what? We don't think you're smart enough for an office, but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

Dave Chappelle

Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor; but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.

Maria Bamford

I'm not looking for much in a guy, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

Louis C.K.

A man will rip off your arm and throw it into a river, but he will leave you as a human being intact. He won't mess with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.

Martin and Lewis

(While Dean is singing, Jerry walks in with a big stack of plates and drops all of them)
Dean Martin: Hold, hold it. What the hell's the kid doing.
Jerry Lewis: I'm very sorry sir, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
Dean Martin: Oh no, no, no, I got tired of that song anyway.
Jerry Lewis: So did the audience, but I didn't want to say nothin.

Conan O'Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

Greg Giraldo

One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn't let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, "Sir, you're too drunk to sit."

And also - Norm MacDonald, Redd Foxx, Todd Barry, Eddie Murphy, Bill Cosby, Emo Philips, Marc Maron, Jimmy Pardo, Ron White, George Carlin.

Favorite Fifteen: Movie-Makers

2010-01-22T07:48:00.000-08:00

Akira Kurosawa

Seven Samurai
The Idiot
Ikiru

Joel and Ethan Coen

No Country for Old Men
The Big Lebowski

Fargo

Peter Weir

Picnic at Hanging Rock

The Truman Show

Gallipoli

Ingmar Bergman

Cries and Whispers

Wild Strawberries

The Seventh Seal

Martin Scorsese

Bringing Out the Dead
Raging Bull
Goodfellas

Elia Kazan

On the Waterfront
East of Eden
America, America

Mike Leigh

Secrets and Lies
Meantime
Naked

John Carpenter

Escape from New York
Prince of Darkness

They Live

Peter Jackson

Bad Taste

Heavenly Creatures

The Two Towers

Charlie Chaplin

The Circus

The Gold Rush

City Lights

Sam Raimi

Spider-Man 2

Evil Dead 2

A Simple Plan

Woody Allen

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Annie Hall

Sleeper

Gus Van Sant

My Own Private Idaho
Paranoid Park
Elephant

Walter Hill

Southern Comfort
Streets of Fire
The Warriors

Jody Hill

Eastbound and Down
The Foot Fist Way
Observe and Report

And I also should mention – George Romero, Kevin Smith, P.T. Anderson, Roman Polanski, Alfred Hitchcock, Danny Boyle, Savage Steve Holland, Federico Fellini, Trey Parker, Georges Melies, Terry Gilliam, Quentin Tarantino, David Zucker, Mel Brooks, Christopher Guest, D.W. Griffith, George Stevens, Robert Bresson, Abel Ferrara, James Whale

Pineapple Espresso

2010-01-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Coffee --

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Nay, that would be silly.

But every morning, I am a different person before I have you. It is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Before I have my coffee, I am the evil and grumpy Mr. Hyde, but after I have coffee, I am completely transformed into a much more alert Mr. Hyde.

Dear Espresso --

In the same way Popeye eats his spinach and gains strength (to save Olive Oil from Bluto), I can have a shot of you and gain strength (to play hours of Chrono Trigger and pretend not to hear Bluto have his way with Olive Oil).

You are even less like a summer’s day.

You are very strong and addicting. I think crack is a gateway drug to you.

I hate summer days so much.

Proof that what I'm doing with my life is silly:

2010-01-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

Please note the following:

- The crowd member up front is laughing, but is also confused as to why they gave this homeless man a microphone.

- The lights are clearly pointing in the wrong direction. It seems that the left fringes of the audience are much more interesting than whatever I’m saying.

- You can see my finger-tips through my gloves.

- There is a dart-board behind me, which makes for a tempting and painful method of heckling.

- When I tell friends I do comedy, they probably imagine stages. Plenty of stages happen, but as is evidenced by said dart-board, I am clearly in the corner of some random bar. So hopefully this clears some things up.

-There is a deadness in my eyes that looks like either: I realize that having a room of people liking me won’t bring lasting happiness, or I am slightly melancholy after having killed a man.

Night upon night. It had been awhile since I stepped back to look at myself and evaluate. This picture has helped me do that. So now that I’m probably quitting comedy, what should I try next?

PS - I am only joking(ish) about all this.

Comedy Album Reviews:

Greg Giraldo -- Midlife Vices

After so much artsy alternative comedy, it’s nice to hear some New York straight-talk. And it’s no less artistic – he still can keep the punch-lines firing off like a semi-automatic, with little breathing space and plenty thought. The few misses and canned lines are worth it for the (more frequent) funny and inspired crassness.

Rating: 4/5

Maria Bamford -- Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome

She creates scenes and bits with an off-beat elegance; it’s never forced or unnatural, and the lack of crude words or topics shows her refusal to go into auto-pilot or go for an easy laugh.

Rating: 4.5/5

Paul F. Tompkins – Freak Wharf

It’s solid. He’s at his best when riffing at the onset, and when being serious about something silly (Cake vs. Pie).

Rating: 3.5/5

Louis C.K. -- Chewed Up

A few minutes after Louis kicks off (dissecting the word “faggot”), you’ll be grateful to have found such a smart and lewd comic. You’ll note that his raunch is always justified, and he has an amazing economy of words while staying conversational. Then after the half-way point, it may dawn on you just how legendary C.K.’s talent is, striking that perfect depth of pain and funny; intricate and effortless. He really is unreal.

Rating: 5/5

Person Review:

Will Hessler

Eh...

Rating: 3/5

Spider-Man Begins

2010-01-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

There is not going to be a Spider-Man 4. Sam Raimi (“Evil Dead 2,” “Spider-Man 2”could not reconcile script differences with Sony (“greed,” “coldness”) and Sony has planned to “re-boot” the series with a new team; making it a “gritty, contemporary” film. “Batman Begins” has been mentioned.

Batman fits the “Batman Begins” tone very nicely. It is his natural environment. Spider-Man, not as much. Also, they’re saying Peter Parker will be a younger teen. I can see the dollar signs in the producers' cartoon eyes.

Things that may happen in the new Spider-Man movie if it is gritty, contemporary and realistic:

1. Spider-Man won’t exist.

2. Mid-web swing, he will run out of web-fluid. He will fall and die. ‘CAUSE THAT’S HOW LIFE IS. There’s never enough web-fluid.

3. Spidey’s suit will look more realistic, meaning more like a fabric pajama onesie, meaning somehow gayer.

4. The main villain, after being picked on by co-workers for the first 20 minutes of the movie, will fall into a vat of acid while lightning strikes the acid. He will emerge horribly disfigured, but will vow revenge upon the world. But instead of the acid and lightning giving him super-powers, he will die 3 minutes later.

5. Spider-Man’s main foes are the bad economy, the 1% of rich people who reap the benefits of the working class, and empty movie theaters.

6. He will be dark and angry like in part 3, but instead of expressing it by making a woman go get him milk and cookies, he will shoot up a school.

7. The “younger teen” Peter Parker will no longer be girl-shy and weird. He will be a kid in an inner-city school trying to reconcile his gang mentality with the intelligence that one teacher sees in him. That teacher is Batman, because this movie is so stupid that this would make sense.

8. The awkward teenagers who could relate to Peter Parker’s universal geeky charm will no longer have a hero, and will instead shoot up a school.

9. Peter Parker: “Hey MJ, is that my Spidey-Sense tingling, or are you just glad to see me?”
Mary Jane: “That doesn’t make sense.”
Peter Parker: ………………………………*tries to rape her*

Looks like a calculated money-maker. Maybe the suits will pull it off, and it will be maybe ok. I’ll be a little busy focusing on the next definitely awesome movie Sam Raimi makes.

3 Chords of Comedy

2010-01-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Clip from the last Velvet Lounge show. Wearin' my sweet Pitney-Bowes work-shirt.

Keep On Rockin' in the Free World

2010-01-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

Ryan Conner (contributes jokes to weekend update on SNL!)

Jason Weems (contributes jokes to like a million comedy clubs!)

Jimmy Meritt (contributes jokes to like a million colleges!)

Will Hessler (contributes like a million jokes to Eli Sairs! (he doesn't know yet!))

Eli Sairs (contributes jokes to like a million Arlington Drafthouses!)

For only 4 dollars.....I ain't even much kiddin'...

CITY PAPER

WASHINGTON POST

ON TAP MAGAZINE

I just wrote those so if they have Google Alerts, they will find this and maybe promote the show. Cause e-mailin' them ain't workin'. Also:

WASHINGTON EXPRESS

WASHINGTON TIMES

COMEDY CENTRAL

DUDE IN CHARGE OF TV

JOE PESCI

ELI SAIRS

.........I just wanted to finally have a Google Alert.....

Top 5 Favorite TV Shows Ever

2009-12-18T07:40:00.000-08:00

The Simpsons

In a couple generations, the kids may wonder what the big deal was and be disrespectful jerks about our show, the way we wonder what's so great about The Honey-Mooners and other old, probably racist crap like that. The difference is, our joint is the zenith of television comedy, using the influences of old and topping them.

King of the Hill

You don't usually get this kind of writing on American TV. It was uproarious for something so subtle and understated, and makes fun of it's characters while caring about them. The show flipped the standard family sit-com set up around, and Hank Hill is just great. He's a little ignorant about some things, but you like him -- and not the standard "like to dis-like him," you actually want to be his friend. He's a good person, and this show's all about that kinda humanism.

South Park

It's refreshing because it's actually edgy, pushing real boundaries, not just the ones that have long been deemed ok to push. It amazes me that they still make the news by outraging some interest group thats main reason for existing is to be outraged. South Park has the balls to make the kinda people who are into South Park re-evaluate their own beliefs. And I love anything that can speak the "high-brow / low-brow" hybrid language so clearly.

Eastbound and Down

It's great to see genuine southerners make fun of the south. Eastbound and Down knows which stereotypes to avoid, and which new ones to reveal. There's some brilliant character acting-- with it's own kinda nuance, that's easy to over-look. It revels in the muck and turns it to gold. Kenny Powers is a dark angel of quotability.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Growing up, stand-up comedy had next to zero presence in my conciousness. I'd see a couple clips here and there, but that kinda thing just wasn't too visible in Alabama. My one peek into that world was around 12:30 every night when Conan would do his goofy monologues, followed by some absurd sketch-- all of it tapping into and pulling at that whacky part of my brain, giving it a kind of focus. "Isn't that right, Cactus Chef Playing 'We Didn't Start the Fire' on a Flute?"

Honorable Mention:

Red Dwarf

We didn't have cable, so it became a tradition for my family to watch "Brit-Wit" on PBS. This show just blew my mind with its silliness and disregard for respectable sit-com situations. It's like Monty Python took over The Twilight Zone. You had me at Giant Vindaloo Monster.

Other Honorable Mentions: Black Adder, Fawlty Towers, Chef!, Seinfeld, Looney Tunes, Monty Python's Flying Circus

Smug Sarcasm is the new Airline Food

2009-12-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

(These are general observations, and have nothing to do with D.C. or any comics I know personally)

I like the alternative comedy movement-- I think it is a legit scene, which has birthed real effects in the comedy world, for the better. Plenty of the gripes against comedy clubs and the type of generic comedy it can nurture are worth griping about, and worth the resulting movement of more thoughtful and off-kilter comedy into music-venues, etc. In general, I'd prefer going to or performing at an alternative show in a rock club than a shiny comedy club event.

As with all things, what's new won't be new for long. Jokes that strayed from the formula become the new formula, stage personas that seemed original become a blue-print. "Alt Comedy" has been hanging around the fringes in some shape for a while now, so more seasoned comics than myself surely already noticed things that are just now rubbing me wrong.

Everyone seems to be the exact same person (at least on stage). This may be because most people in the world are essentially the same, save a few stand-outs (my favorite alt comics: Mirman, Bamford and Galifianakis stand far above my complaints), and this probably over-shadows all the arts. But the "I'm too cool for it all" demeanor is grating when worn by a performer who is doing very little cooler than it all. I'd rather go see an old 80s road-dog bust open a crowd with an airline joke than watch another nerd with a superiority complex sarcastically mention airline food with a wink. It's gotten to where I think someone is a hack if they use "airline food" as an example of a hack joke. (My title gets a pass, cause it's referencing what people see as hack, not what I think is hack.) Even with funny alt comics, the stock tone and personality can make it predictable and boring -- the comic's attitude is wearing a uniform suit and tie, even if the comic is wearing jeans and flannel.

As for canned topics (and this is probably about comedy in general, alternative or whatever) it could be said that abortion, war, religion and drugs are topics that are always relevant for riffing. I think I agree, but it's been too long since I've heard a fresh take on any of it. You've escaped the comedy club and finally got some people who will get your sense of humor in a room together, so don't turn it into a "let's all agree with each other" fest. Tell a smirking joke about religion in a mainstream club in Arkansas, and it's impressive-- less so to re-make a point about this contradicting that in a room full of semi-intellectual hipsters with a hard-on for Richard Dawkins. There's no discomfort there, or in alot of recurring points that haven't had a sharp edge on them since Hicks made them in '87. Yes, many pro-lifers are also in favor of the death penalty. Thanks for the insight, again. Now grow a pair and talk about how lots of pro-choicers flip over animals being killed. I'm not saying your views on abortion are right or wrong -- I'm saying that for having chosen an art-form that's supposed to cut through the sluggish, "black-and-white" mentality, you're being a safe bitch.

There's alot of clever and not much insight. Or risk, really. It's all getting pretty paint-by-numbers and on-kilter. I hope it gets back off it.

This is me the fan speaking, not me the performer. So I know I'm not out there shaking the earth with anything unseen before. I'm just pointing out what young comics are up against, and diagnosing the problem is half the something-or-other, or something stale and cliche like that.

Save our city...

2009-12-02T08:10:00.000-08:00

Rob Cantrell, Mike Eltringham, Ahmed Huidobro and me.

Top 5 Favorite Suicides

2009-11-17T08:53:00.000-08:00

Honorable mentions: Sylvia Plath, Sid Vicious, Ernest Hemingway, 2/3 of the Jonas Bros in ten years.

Ian Curtis (hung himself)

Well duh, look at him. Shoulda seen that one comin'. Who even knows how to tie a noose anymore? Curtis went old-school—he may as well have guillotined himself. Or if he wanted to land the most bad-ass suicide of all time, he coulda gone completely old-school and stoned himself to death. The very nature of hanging guarantees a very striking image and a memorable, symbolic scene in a future bio-pic…..well-planned, sir.

Darby Crash (intentional overdose)

This one pisses me off. At 22, he’s like “Well, did everything I can do here!” At that age, who else has a legacy and cult following large enough that they can just peace out? The drugs weren’t a very creative way to do it, but the Germs lead singer (and only legit punk-rock poet) timed it so he’d made just enough music and created just enough of a myth around himself to ensure a legend. Plus, he scored the ultimate “cult classic” suicide: it will always remain an underground and over-shadowed event, because John Lennon’s more "mainstream, blockbuster" death happened the very next day.

Richard Jeni (gunshot to the head)

While his style was highly Cobain-ian, I will give him points for staying alive after he did it. He died a little later at the hospital. How do you stay alive after shooting yourself? The one route that seems the quickest and most sure-fire (pun intended?) This one holds a special place for me, because he’s a stand-up comic. A brilliant one, too, worthy of putting the comedian twist on the classic rock n’ roll exit.

Charleton Heston (old age)

He took the long route. This is the most typical form of suicide, with thousands of people engaged in it as we speak. It’s ok to make fun of this one-- old people often are the butt of jokes. They’re still around and suffering, thus can feel the pain of being made fun of. But make a crack about someone who knocks themself off early, and people get all stupid.

Elliott Smith (STABBED HIMSELF IN THE CHEST)

WHAT? This guy can look at any one of the hardcore suicides on this list, and say “what a pussy.” He stabbed himself. With a knife. In the chest.

“You know Elliott, if you wanna do yourself in, we’ve got some painless pills you could use, and—“
“What am I, some little bitch? Where’s a DAGGER?”
“But Elliott, there are less harsh ways to-“
“Do I look like Jim Faggot Morrison? You know what, hold this hatchet, I’m gonna drill my feet to the floor and bang my face into it for 3 hours.”

Halloween!

2009-10-30T14:31:00.001-07:00

Comedy Where Music Should (Let It) Be

2009-10-29T14:14:00.000-07:00

Gotta gotta gotta

2009-10-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

get the hell outta D.C.

Go to this

2009-10-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

Doug Stanhope will be at Tom Tom this thursday at 9.

Getcha tix.

My first comedy show ever was Doug Stanhope at Ohio University. About a third of the crowd didn't know they could be so profoundly offended, and started throwing verbal assaults and storming out of the theatre, shell-shocked. The rest either cheered on the chaos or tried to hide in their seats. I sat giggling in middle of the battlefield, my idea of "edgy" forever redefined.

He elevates shock comedy to an insightful and intelligent level. His shows are an experience. I recommend partaking.

Top Books

2009-09-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna always joke. Sometimes I wanna be all pretentious. So here's a thick slab of pretension and indulgence. I forget who wrote Cyrano.

Honorable Mentions:

Akira Kurosawa: Something Like an Autobiography (Akira Kurosawa) – The best filmmaker can paint with words, too. No holds barred, and inspiring.

Glue (Irvine Welsh) - Who doesn’t like a good “four guys growing up together” story? A Scottish “Stand By Me,” with lots more drugs and STDs.

Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life (Steve Martin) - “One can have, it turns out, an affection for the war years.” Read this for comfort, if you’re at the onset of your war.

On Liberty (John Stuart Mill) – "If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind."

Calvin and Hobbes Treasury (Bill Watterson) – Childhood’s charmed, warped innocence is crystallized.

Where the Wild Things Are (Maurice Sendak) – I ain’t never growin’ up.

Bill Hicks: Agent of Evolution (Kevin Booth) – No literary artistry here. These excerpts, chapters and accounts from the people closest to Hicks (most written by his best friend Kevin Booth), are interesting as mosaic pieces forming a portrait, but also as puzzle pieces. You keep struggling to guess at what he was really like, through all the contradictions and gaps-- flawed, intense, lost, loving and angry – I’m a sucker for the mystery and romanticizing.

Fear and Trembling (Soren Kierkegaard) – Breaking down the idea of faith as absurd – and then breaking it down further as a necessary and rational absurdity – finding method in a madness no crazier than our faulty definition of sanity. There’s more than that, but that’s the jist, sorta….uh, just read it, I guess…

Top Books (No Order):

The Idiot (Fyodor Dostoevsky) – If you are honest and empathetic to all humans, you look pretty dumb - if the world is full of viciousness, resentment and false kindness. That’s our world, that’s our plight, and this book is the anthem of too few people.

The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald) – Ever been wounded and hopeful? Here’s ya book.

Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen) – A college gal once told me she didn’t like Jane Austen, because she read her after reading some hyper-radical feminist stuff, but Austen just wrote about “women wanting to get married.” But while these “radicals” espoused predictable stances only daring to the tame, and diluted their narrative art by putting priority on fleeting political taboos, Austen did much more for women by writing with the kind of wit, insight, humanism, sincerity and life that most men (and college cookie-cutter feminists) could only hope to dream of.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain) – He’s a satire superhero.

Trainspotting (Irvine Welsh) – The poetry of the depraved. The few sprouts of very touching humanism are rendered even more profound by the tangible darkness of this filth-infested crawl through a black alley.

Winesburg, OH (Sherwood Anderson) – To Anderson, the state of people is: we’re all grotesque, it’s all off-kilter, it’s all desperate; and there’s something deep and lasting about it.

Symposium (Plato) - I can’t tell if it’s the ideas or how they’re told, but they move me as much as fiction.

Cyrano De Bergerac (Frenchie de Sacreblue) - I had a pet squirrel named Cyrano. We found him injured. He had a big nose, but was not witty or poetic. He just sat there in his shoebox until he was healthy again, and then we let him go in the woods. I think he went on to write this play, but did not even mention me in the ‘thank yous.’ It is a good play though, for a squirrel.

A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy Toole) – This is really funny and I like New Orleans.

Bob Dylan, Chronicles: Volume One (Bob Dylan) – His autobiography is a better piece of work than most artists’ actual art work.

The Sound and the Fury (William Faulkner) - Most books describe an intense life with intensity, or a calm life with tranquility. But the calmest life is full of intensity; Faulkner knows this, and uses a raging prose to illuminate a southern family’s life—seemingly normal and still—capturing the burning furnace and damning confusion that bubbles just beneath the most straight-forward lives.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Ken Kesey) – BRING DOWN THE MOTHAFUCKIN SYSTEM.

Perelandra (C. S. Lewis) - A unique breed of sci-fi; more mythological in its telling, and spiritual in its themes and imagery. The pictures Lewis puts in your head are clear and different; the ideas and the images become simultaneous, and the quick fades from horror to beauty exemplify one of the most powerful imaginations in literature.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll) – If you want to find what’s real, study what’s silly.

Raging Bull: My Story (Jake LaMotta) – Jake LaMotta’s reality is as intense and mesmerizing as any fabricated sports/underdog story—with a stiff dash of hard-boiled pathos.

The Glass Key (Dashiell Hammett) – This just gripped me for the whole ride. Dames, betrayals, detective shenanigans, and Hammett’s bare and pin-point prose can make you see a scene or hear an idea in a fresh way.

Watchmen (Alan Moore) – An apocalyptic circus of compelling characters and raw virtues.

Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion (David Hume) – Anyone repelled (or amused) by Richard Dawkins’ rhetoric-driven and philosophically embarrassing “God Delusion” can take refuge here – this is hardcore skepticism, with the intellectual solidity and wisdom to make it a real threat to religious establishment.

Mere Christianity (C. S. Lewis) – Not perfect, but a strong argument that should make you think, if you don’t go into it all timid and closed off about that type of discussion. In a talk with an english professor, he told me it’s “Intolerant because all religions are the same.” Nope. Read up on your religions, drop your narrow definition of “tolerance.” I love this kinda discourse, if philosophical and clear-minded.

Selected Works of Langston Hughes (Langston Hughes) – Simple, rhythmic verses with a weight that contradicts their feather-light eloquence.

Cat’s Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut) – This is real cool. It’s smart, and deep, and funny, and bizarre.

David Copperfield (Charles Dickens) – Goes off on rambling tangents, lacks a coherent thesis with follow through—a professor could have a field day nit-picking on how it fails to meet formulas. But screw that. Dickens crafts a sentence, paragraph and chapter with strength that’s super-natural. I find comfort in discovering a human is capable of piecing together words and ideas like that. Not only does he explore characteristics of life and people with more talent than any other writer; he explores characteristics that any other writer wouldn’t even know existed.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Eli Sairs is 207. He has a summer cottage in Hampshire, and a winter tree in Maine, where he spends most his time on the top branch, smoking his pipe and punching a mountain goat. He is the author of the best-sellers "I Feel Silly Up Here" and "Fuck You, Goat."

3 Chord

2009-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Last night's show was fun. The crowd was not as big as the first two, but was still larger than the typical comedy show-- and they were very responsive.

I like the punk rock feel to these. Cool venue, cool vibe.

Next month a NY comic is coming down, who apparently has contributed to The Onion.

So I gotta get on top of promoting that, like, tomorrow. But till then, I'm drinkin' coffee and reading my new Kierkegaard anthology.

Is there a Palace show tomorrow?

I wanna die with you out on the streets tonight...

2009-09-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

I wanna keep this blog up...

2009-09-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

....but it's so, so hard.

........did I mention I did 7 sets a week for a year?....

7 sets a week for a year (or: "bragsies")

2009-09-08T06:32:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I was all like "I'm gonna do seven sets a week for a whole year." And last night I was all like "Done."

There are some nights you just can't find a mic, so if I got 6 sets one week, I'd be sure to get 8 sets another week. I kept a tally.

I actually finished with something like 370 sets in 365 days.

Now, I'ma take a week or so off. I need some sleep, I've been a walking corpse for a couple months now. Maybe some rest will patch up the ol' war-torn nerves, take the raw edge off. I'll get to go home and chill out like a normal person. And think about how many more dues I have to pay, and how insignificant this is in the long run.

The performances have helped, and I'm proud of it, but it hasn't changed me or gone to my head. All I ask is that if I walk into an open mic, no matter who's on stage, they get pushed off and I get on. And Jake has to bring me Gatorade and Pizza Rolls. And while on-stage, I get to use a new comic to set my drink and notes on. And I get to wear a crown.

Brag, brag, gloat, gloat, etc, etc

"Fag Me to Hell" directed by Pat Robertson

2009-08-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

It's on IMDB. I'm not lying for a pun, you can look it up. Except don't.

Man, I gotta watch movies again! What I wanna see:

Drag Me to Hell - Sam Raimi is full of fire...watching Evil Dead 2, you can feel the joy of filmmaking come at you through the screen like a severed hand holding a shotgun or a flying eyeball....

The Hangover - Strictly for Galifianakis. Watching him, you can feel the joy of silly one-liners come at you through the screen like silly one-liners coming through a screen.

Inglorious Basterds - Tarantino does not always guarantee a masterpiece, but he guarantees some craziness. Watching his movies, you can feel the craziness like an arm slowly coming around your shoulders in the darkened movie theatre...until the usher comes and says "Mr. Tarantino, please stop harassing the customers......and put your pants back on...you shouldn't be that in love with your own screen dialogue....."

I don't get people who are casual about movies. I want them all to change my life. I wanna soak up a movie like it's liquid LSD, wandering around thinkin about it for days...until I finally decide to do whatever the character in the movie did...and then get arrested....because for you and 3 friends to be able to go and find a dead body by the railroad tracks.......first you gotta get you a dead body....

2009-08-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

white riot, a riot of my own....

2009-08-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna force myself to write in this thing.

Patton Oswalt's new album is out this week (today?), Eugene Mirman's new record is out in early October, and Doug Stanhope is comin' on October 15th. Gonna be a good couple comedy months.

Is the president doing a good job? I haven't been paying attention. My vampire-like comedy lifestyle does not afford me such luxuries as "current events." Does the U.N. still exist? I hope it burned down.

I might not be in DC too much longer, and I still haven't run into Christopher Hitchens on the metro. Maybe I just gotta ride it more.....reading his "Letters to a Young Contrarian." Then he'll see I'm reading his book, and be like "Are you enjoying my 'Letters to a Young Contrarian?'" And I'll say "On the CONTRARY..................................yes."

I like Christopher Hitchens about as much as I dislike politics. And it's a heavy dislike of politics, so it's nice when he torches peoples' stale perspectives on them. Tosses essay-grenades at people like Michael Moore as well as plenty of righties, and pays lip service to anything from Communist to pro-life ideals, regardless of our paint-by-numbers political climate of intense anti-insight -- both the right and the left out on knee-jerk witch hunts to silence dissent and free discussion ("but our cause is for the greater good!").......so it's comforting to see an intellectual renegade messin' things up for the conservatives of the right and left........In this interview, he talks about his interest in libertarian philosophy, Marx and Engels and how there's no such thing as a radical left anymore.

Don't have to be rich...

2009-08-10T13:24:00.000-07:00

for those about to rock...

2009-07-27T06:16:00.000-07:00

Keith Irvine, Marcus "DooDooh" Brown, ELI SAIRS!!!!, Hampton Yount, Crucial Element.

Albums I'm listenin' to that are cool:

-Southern Rock Opera - The Drive-By Truckers

-Get Lost - The Magnetic Fields

-Slanted and Enchanted - Pavement

-Something to Take the Edge Off - Doug Stanhope

About a month and a week left, and it'll have been a solid year straight of 7 sets a week. An example of what doing 7 sets a week and the corresponding lack of sleep and overall insanity can do to you: This morning, I sent an excited e-mail to my girlfriend, titled "!!!!!!!!" The contents were:

"I'ma put on a comedy show, and the poster is gonna have a drawing of a buncha cows in a pasture with headbands and cigarettes and handguns and the show's gonna be called "Grazin' Hell"

And I was laughing really, really hard when I sent it. Like I was about to lose my mind with what a genius I was. 15 minutes later, after the caffeine from my coffee (drug o' choice) had crawled upward and seaped into my brain, I re-read it in sober, clear-headed shame. This is not the first time something like this has happened. It's gettin' bad. I need rest.

7 a week for a year, then a move maybe....I wish LA and NY weren't the only legit choices....I wanna move back south, I think. Someone go ahead and make Atlanta or New Orleans a new mecca for comedy, please.

In the restroom:

2009-07-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

I'm urinating in a stall, cause I need big blinders to urinate, and overhear 2 out of the 6 audience members (or people who happened to be at the bar) talking.

"I'll never laugh again."

"Yeah, it was terrible."

I exit the stall, preparing to say something either witty and depricating, or snide and defensive, haven't decided yet.

"I laughed like twice."

They're at the urinals, their backs are turned. Well I'll just wash my hands slowly until they turn around.

"But I guess, like, it's just a bar show and all."

Sir. There is so much you can add to that statement. 6 people. Huge bar. Your inability to discern bad comedy from a bad situation. How much longer can I sit here washing my hands? Are you guys even pissing, or do you just go hang out in front of toilets to shoot the crap? Heheh....pun SO intended..........F it, I'm out.

I left, chuckling about "shoot the crap," having earned twenty dollars and a free (I think) meal of chicken fingers and honey mustard sauce for my jokes. I assume they are still in the restroom. Or they left to go do something not at all ambitious.

I think it is a mental disorder to be content with twenty dollars and free chicken fingers.

Danny McBride

2009-07-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

“Dentistry? I can’t believe that’s something that’s real.”

This dude may be something huge soon, or may be a one-trick pony flashin’ in the
cult-sized pan as we speak. Well, I’m gonna enjoy that flash while it’s here, but I hope it catches something on fire. McBride has mainly played second or fifth fiddle around bigger names, but he usually steals my attention. As Rico in “Hot Rod” he provided some of the biggest low-key laughs, and he was my favorite character in “Pineapple Express” as Red, the drug dealer who bakes a cake on his dead cat’s birthday.

“If you were in prison, you’d be raped because you exude feminine qualities.”

This film era of absurd, callous non-sequiturs and outrageous redneck deadpans may come to a close soon, but I hope Danny gets his due recognition before it does. He often plays a character similar to Ferrell’s Ricky Bobby/Burgundy/etc, but he’s got a bit more of an edge. It comes off a little more genuine. With Ferrell, it feels like a comic actor making fun of a type of person far removed from who he is – Danny, who grew up in the south, seems to be channeling people he knew and a bit of himself. Anyway, check out “The Foot Fist Way,” the low-budget indie comedy that put himself and director Jody Hill into their current position of mild comedic power (which I hope will grow). It holds its own; also watch their cringe-y HBO show “Eastbound and Down.” You’ll getcher laughs. Gluck to him.

“Derek, have you got your cup on? Because I will hit you there.”

(f)arthouse cinema

2009-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

Another video I made in high school. The theme for the school news show that week was "sci fi" week, so my friends and I grabbed some lightsabers and improvised around town. Kroger's hates us.

This Friday!

2009-07-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Seaton Smith, Aparna Nancherla, Jake Young, Hampton Yount, Justin Schlegel and me.

scatter-shot thoughts (on comedy)

2009-07-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

I like this old blog by Stanhope.

I think too many comics try and promote themselves too early, though. If you're 5 months in and have cards and a website, it makes me wonder if you're in this because you love the art of comedy, or because you love the idea of having cards, a website, and the label "comedian."

There is a huge difference between having 30 minutes of stand-up, and being able to do 30 minutes of stand-up. It seems like the only way you can get good at doing 30 minutes is to land a feature spot. That's a set you don't wanna blow, but once you're halfway through, you'll probably wish you had more experience sustaining a 30 minute set. There should be open mics that have a 4 person limit, and each comic gets to work on 30 minutes. Make it happen, DC.

The open-mic vicious circle: You don't want to try new jokes at a "real show." You try them at open mics. But a real show is more likely to have a crowd that will laugh at quality material. A few bar-flys at an open mic aren't a good barometer for whether a new joke is good. I wonder how many passable bits I've dismissed because they went down in flames at The Spy Lounge.

Some comics trash other comics, saying "I'm just being honest." Maybe what you say is true, but often, it seems when you're vocalizing it you're indulging the bitter, insulting and egotistical side of you more than you're indulging the "I want honesty to prevail" side of you.

(Hypocrisy alert) I've definitely hated, though. But I think healthy, well-directed hatin' is ok. If you're a terrible comic, but a nice guy, I'll like you and not say a word against you. It's all about hatin' on delusional jerks. Analogy for hatin' on delusion: At this level in comedy, we're mostly all just at the "flipping burgers" level. Which is fine. And if you're horrible at flipping burgers, so what? I'll still be cool with you. But if you have a job flipping burgers, but come in to work wearing a suit, talking about 401 k plans and huge business deals and other fake credentials while you flip a crappy burger, using some jewel-encrusted spatula with a "comedy central" logo on it....oh you best believe you're in for a hatin' my friend...

AMERICA

2009-06-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

4TH OF JULY IS COMIN' UP Y'ALL.

MY GRANDPA DIED IN 3 WARS FOR THIS COUNTRY SO Y'ALL BETTER SHOW RESPECT.

No he didn't really die in any wars but he wounded his leg once cause he was drunk and fell on a firework shooter some 4th of July.

Probably.

I wish I had known my grandpa.

I hate white DC

2009-06-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

(a venting exercise I might delete later)

There's some crime in my neighborhood. It's not at all a ghetto, but between my car being hot-wired, the recent killing (60+ shots fired) a few blocks away, and a couple incidents that could conceivably have escalated to the point of fisticuffs (or, me using fisticuffs, the other guy using gunicuffs), the idea of relocation naturally crawled into my brain.

I live in between the fringe of northeast DC and Georgia Avenue (or "crack alley," my friend Seaton calls it). It's really the only place I can afford. But, as wednesday night reminded me, if I made the kind of money that let me live farther west in the city, where the yuppies and political pundits dwell, I'd stay put.

At the "Mad Hatter," in the heart of starched, bland downtown DC, this chick got mad at me, because "You can't say that!"

Most places where people get offended are in the white, upscale yuppie areas. They don't see me crush using racial jokes with an all-black crowd, or make my gay friend laugh by using "faggot." They only know what's been sanctioned as "wrong," and react to it with the knee-jerk of a bigot, and a rudeness that screams "I've been handed everything my whole life and my sad sense of entitlement tells me I can be an ass right now."

Chick who got offended -- you will probably never know this, but you are a huge part of the problem.

If you have to rudely vocalize something while someone's onstage, instead of discuss it afterwards, I'll write your point off, because it comes from an invalid, intolerant place.

"But I went to college and am educated, I'm not one of the close-minded, intolerant people that make the country bad." Well, uptight PC yuppie chick:

Just because you have the air of "I'm standing up for good,"

just because your simple mind was pounded with a simple definition of morality by sheltered college professors who haven't been in the real world for decades and need to feel like they've made a difference-- so they spew a misguided code of rules like a southern Baptist preacher, and you soak it in like any type of zealot, no questioning allowed or you're the enemy,

just because the shallowness of your brain, and the bitterness, and the intolerance, has been guided to a different false enemy than that of a racist or homophobe-- difference being, you were born into a different environment and your daddy could afford to buy you a college degree,

just because you think you're one of the "educated elite," and can't discern knowledge from wisdom, and the narrow confines of your thought process naturally latch onto theories that have the claim to "open-mindedness," because your upper-middle class white guilt needs purging,

because your life has nothing going for it and is so dull that you have to get up in arms over something like this just to feel like your existence is justified,

and you think you've got nothing to learn, since the predictable dogmas your mushy, unreflective mind follow are deemed as "thoughtful" by people just as clueless as yourself,

and you fight against words that've been labeled as evil (though your keeping them evil gives the real bigot a stronger weapon-- and the more evil you make the person who says it, the better you feel in comparison, and that forms a convenient, everything's black-and-white world to match your feeble sensibilities), just because you fight your fight with the guise of goodness,

doesn't mean you're not as big a threat as everything and everyone you hate.

You are. Your political demagogues make you think you're on the side of progress and caring, because they've hijacked those two words, and use them with the same manipulation that the crazy right-wingers use religious scripture to blind thought and logic, and make people aim anger at the wrong place.

You know, uptight close-minded liberal chick, I think it makes you even more dangerous-- having that embedded, incontentestable mindset of "well at least I'm on the side of compassion." At least alota conservatives know they're evil.

Driving away from that area-- that affluent, white, empty, culturless area-- felt pretty good. With relief I welcomed the open-air drug market of Georgia Avenue. Crime rates be damned, I couldn't live anywhere else in DC.

I'll give up my wallet before I give up my expression.

too real for you...

2009-06-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

I like that kinda stuff, but not much other "reality" type tv. Unless I get to pick the theme.

Excerpts from “Area 51,” the new reality TV show on Fox:

Cast members are interviewed one at a time, a la “The Real World.”

Professor Howard - (in white lab coat) Well I don’t care what Professors Matheson and Vladimir think of me, I’m just being myself, and no one but God can judge me. I will mix the type of phosphates I want too when dissecting chemical alloys. Sorry if I’m just too real for them.

CUT TO:

Professor Vladimir - (in white lab coat) I found….his actions….immature? Ya know? I think he has a lot of growing up to do if he wants to live in this compound.

CUT TO:

Professor Howard – They’ve just formed this little click against me. Like I’m not one of the “cool scientists” or something because I prefer to research extra-terrestrial corpses in my own way.

CUT TO:

Laboratory, pieces of a metallic flying craft are being studied on a table. Three professors sit and talk and look resentfully to the corner of the lab, where Professor Howard is having a tantrum and being consoled by another Professor. In the background, we see red lights blinking, alarm buzzing, smoke rising from a room, soldiers are yelling “It’s loose!” and running into a room and being swatted by giant tentacles waving out of said room.

Professor Howard storms out in a tantrum.

CUT TO:

Professor Matheson - (white lab coat has a popped collar) Like I don’t get what he’s so stressed out about, it’s like, shit, we’ve got some partying to do, bro! Relax already, bro!

CUT TO:

Sergeant Samuel - (in military uniform) People don’t always get along at the compound. But it’s no real concern, it’s to be expected, really, and after seeing what they’ve seen, I’ll have to kill them anyway when-- Oh wait. Oh crap. Heeey, can we uh, tape over that last part?

CUT TO:

Professor Matheson - We headed down to Roswell to part-ay!!! I’m gonna get MY DRINK ON!!! WOOOOO!!! COLLEGE!!!!! BRO!!!!!!

CUT TO:

Alien - Glarb glarb blarh, blarh blah glarb…..glarb blarg……………(looks down and wipes single tear with tentacle)

CUT TO:

Professor Howard - Y’ALL MOTHAFUCKAS JUST JEALOUS!!!! Y’ALL JUS’ JEALOUS!!!!

CUT TO:

College girl - (face in her hands, sobbing) I’ve just, I, I can’t believe I did that on TV…(sob)

CUT TO:

Final episode, last day at the compound. Twenty professors and some college girl gathered and talking.

Some Eve 6 song plays in the background.

People are saying things like: “It’s like, we’ve been through so. much. together. It’s like I can’t believe it’s over.”

Cut to commercial.

Commercial Break ends.

All twenty people lay dead. Sergeant Samuel is putting away a hypodermic needle as he exits. Camera-man falls dead in front of the camera.

Video Games That Should be Movies

2009-06-19T11:08:00.000-07:00

Rottentomatoes.com did a cool list of videogames they’d like to see made into movies, and who they’d want to direct them. A “Contra” movie by the dude who did “Die Hard” and “Predator.” An “Oregon Trail” movie by Terrence Mallick, etc.

I was inspired to make my own wish-list, as follows (feel free to add any others):

1. Mega Man

Directed by:

Paul Verhoven (Robocop, Total Recall, Starship Troopers)

2. The Legend of Zelda

Directed by:

Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings)

3. Castlevania

Directed by:

Sam Raimi (Evil Dead, Army of Darkness)

4. River City Ransom

Directed By:

Walter Hill (The Warriors)

5. Strider

Directed by:

Quentin Tarantino (Kill Bill)

6. Battletoads

Made by:

Whoever made Kung-Fu Panda.

7. Gun-Star Heroes

Directed by:

John Woo (Hard-Boiled, The Killer) and Robert Roderiguez (El Mariachi, Planet Terror)

8. Jurassic Park: The Videogame

Directed by:

Steven Spielberg (Jurassic Park)

9. Spy Hunter

Directed by:

George Miller (Mad Max, The Road Warrior)

10. Worms: Armageddon

Directed by:

Oliver Stone (Platoon, Born on the Fourth of July)

11. Shaq-Fu

Directed by:

Ingmar Bergren (The Seventh Seal, Cries and Whispers)

Comedy that's more indie than Pavement plus Death Cab divided by Sonic Youth

2009-06-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Aparna Nancherla

Seaton Smith

Hampton Yount

Jake Young

Eli Sairs

Justin Schlegel

Musical Guest:

Matthew Hemmerlein

Come on out, so that The Velvet Lounge will let me make this something kinda regular.

If you come to this show, I will hold you in your darkest hour. I'll give you the coupon, and when your darkest hour comes around, call me up, and get ready to be held. But the darkest "hour" is not figurative, it is exactly 60 minutes. Unless you are extremely huggable, i.e. you are a panda bear in a fuzzy robe or a John Goodman in a fuzzy robe (of panda fur).

Up and down until you don't know happy from sad

2009-06-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

I guess some guys booed some girl's act, and Doug was none too cool with it.

The first stand-up show I went to was Stanhope at Ohio University. In under 15 minutes, the theatre became a war-zone, and I couldn't have been more giddy as people walked out of, yelled venom at, or cheered Doug's set on, further into the wasteland.

Speaking of my favorite comics, it's about time Galifianakis gets some recognition.

I just wanna drive around the country and do stand-up. Time to get crackin' on my plan to steal Jimmy Meritt's life. Yoink.

Last week's set run-down:

Sunday at Palace of Wonder -- Pretty good, comfortable, new stuff proves to at the very least not suck.

Monday at Perry's -- New stuff is proven to suck.

Tuesday at Solly's -- Very good, yuppies conversing in the back stop talking and listen. New stuff is good again.

Wednesday at TomTom -- Some say things like "I ate it on stage." Man, did I eat it. This was an all you can eat buffet of "eating it."

"It" being either:
--A gross sexual reference
-- One's pride
-- Ham
-- A combo of any two of these.

Later Wednesday at Mad Hatter -- The only place I've come close to snapping on people and throwin' down the fisticuffs is acutally in an upscale yuppie district. Surprisingly good this night, though. I think my voice started failing halfway through. My literal voice, not my figurative, constantly strong and revolutionary voice.

Thursday at The Comedy Spot -- Pretty lame set. But it's a fun place to go.

Friday at Artomatic -- Real friggin good. Tore that junk up. Seaton Smith was very complimentary and said he hopes to be as good as me some day.

Saturday at Artomatic -- Horrible hosting set. Seaton Smith punches me in the face.

Later Saturday at Artomatic -- I make a 16 year old kid lose it so hard it detracts from whatever stupid crap I was talking about.

Later later Saturday at Artomatic -- Only 6 people left, and I kinda get ok laughs, enough to feel I did my job. Seaton Smith and John McBride brood with envy and then probably make out or something.

Later later motherf'n later Saturday at the Arlington Grill -- Fourth attempt of the night goes good.

Last night at Hightopps -- The very mediocre comedy set was not worth the hour drive north of Baltimore, but discovering the bliss of the Wilco album "Being There" was worth the miles.

That is what I do with my life. Inbetween I watch the movie "Shine"

Artomatic!!!!!

2009-06-12T06:52:00.000-07:00

Come down to 55 M St. SE, every friday and saturday night. We've got like five comics a night, playing to a revolving door of crowds. It's so unpredictable and different, I love it.

Also check out some of the other local art at Artomatic.

Things I saw at Artomatic that criticize capitalism and consumerism and patriarchies:

-- A picture of a business man walking by a homeless man, saying he has no money to give...but his clothes are made out of money!!! Have a little heart, AMERICA.

-- A painting of a preacher, wearing a Nazi uniform!!! Keep your beliefs to yourself, AMERICA. (And check out my socialist brochure, detailing all my beliefs. Read it, plebe!)

-- A sculpture of a slave, juxtaposed with a sculpture of a housewife!!! Made out of money!!! Land of the free?...HA!

-- An exit sign that was really just an exit sign for the building, but was surrounded by pensive onlookers, murmuring, "Damn you, capitalism!" ......more like "liberty and justice for like 3"...AMERICA

-- A picture of a man buying a good or service with some money, made out of money!!!! Open your 'beautiful, for spacious eyes,' AMERICA.

Screen-Play of my new feature-length drama

2009-06-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Love on the Sands of Cairo"

BLACK SCREEN

FADE IN WHITE TITLE CARDS THAT READ:

"The following is based on real events"

TITLE CARDS FADE OUT

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTER-SPACE – NIGHT

Space ships blast lasers at each other.

They are attacked and swatted by a giant dinosaur. They start shooting at it.

Space dinosaur crunches a space ship in one fist, the moon in the other, throws its head back and roars.

Credits.

No internet at work...

2009-06-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

But don't stop checkin' in, I'll be back with a vengeance, for a couple days...

"But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm trying real hard..."

2009-05-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

May 21st in Baltimore.

Me n' Desi Alexander are gonna rip it apart. "Pulp Fiction" themed poster!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

9:30pm

Edens Lounge
15 W eager Street
Baltimore, MD

A Hard Clay's Night

2009-04-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

One-Liner: If literary quotes are right, and "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn," and, "A woman's good nature is heavenly" then I guess the inbetween, a woman's calm moderation, is like purgatory....................cause it doesn't exist.

I did this claymation in high school. I had to slightly move the clay and then take a shot 15 x for every second. Freakin' sweet if ya ask me. High school was silly.

On Slash

2009-04-27T06:28:00.000-07:00

One-Liner: I wanna write a book about abstinence, called "He's Just Not That In You."

Unashamedly, Slash is my favorite guitarist. Allow me to demonstrate:

At this link, at 2:50, Slash drives a car off of a cliff, the car explodes with him in it, and then Slash busts a solo FROM THE TOP OF SAID CLIFF.

Here at 8:04, oh look an ocean, what's coming up out of it, some sea-life? An otter? No it's FREAKIN SLASH, BURNIN' A FREAKIN SOLO.

Now let me preface this one by saying that it is not humanly possible to float on air. Again, PEOPLE CANNOT HOVER. But what's this at 6:10, IT'S SLASH FLOATING THROUGH A CROWD OF PEOPLE, MASSAGIN' THAT AXE.

And you better believe that here at 0:02, Slash comes out WEARING A DENIM JACKET AND TOP HAT.

As you see, Slash can do just about anything and I will be enthusiastic and caps-locky about it. Such as here, where at 0:38, SLASH SITS DOWN.

Things Slash should do while bustin' a solo:

- A woman is in a hospital bed, in labor. Everyone is tense, and out from between her legs comes not a baby, but SLASH, HAMMERIN' A SOLO. Everyone in the hospital starts rockin', and the crippled patients can walk (and rock).

- Slash is finger-rapin' the fretboard, when his skin peals away, and out of Slash comes ANOTHER SLASH.

- Slash comes out of the Ark of the Covenant and melts a Nazi's face with a vicious solo.

- You reach the end of the rainbow only to find Slash, cause rainbows are formed when Slash uses his whammy bar (this is now in science text-books, but don't check up on it).

- You go to a concert, only to find that SLASH IS EVERY MEMBER OF LYNYRD SKYNYRD.

- Slash falls out of a tree and lands on Isaac Newton's head. They start rockin'.

Slash gets back in his time machine and looks at his checklist. Crossed off are: Party dinosaurs to extinction, help rock down the walls of Jericho, punch Calligula, make Newton discover some science thingy; uncrossed are: save bearded president guy, jam with Marty McFly at 50s dance, visit early Guns N' Roses show and high-five self.

Later I will quote some of his sweet autobiography.

HOW IT'S GONNA GO DOWN

2009-04-23T06:06:00.000-07:00

THERE'S A DC/MD/VA COMEDY COMPETITION COMIN' UP WITH 64 COMICS FIGHTIN'!

I WAS GIVEN A BRACKET OF COMEDIANS SO I COULD MAKE MY PREDICTIONS AND HERE'S HOW THIS JUNK'S GONNA BE, JUST AS A WARNIN' TO ALL Y'ALL!

CLICK TO MAKE IT BIG.

Check out the new South Park

2009-04-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

One-liner: I would never encourage anyone to sell drugs to minors.....................'cause then I'd have competition...

The new episode's pretty awesome. They satire-smack Kanye West and his blind ego, while commenting on joke-thievery a la Carlos Mencia. Trey Parker and Matt Stone's show is still a sanctuary of rational irreverence.

On the topic of against-the-grain shows, I was just talkin' with someone about how I enjoy a good amount of what Galifianakis did with "Late World With Zach." Here's a samplin':

Like 20 days! / DMV is stupid.

2009-04-02T11:39:00.001-07:00

One-Liner: Some guys were talkin' crap to me, but I don't care, cause "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me".......unfortunately, their words were "Hey, let's beat this douche-bag with some sticks and stones!"

20 days and no update. I been busy. Funny blogs will follow.

Hosting Magooby's was fun, hosting Homegrown Comedy at the DC Improv was fun, hosting the Maria Bamford show was fun, TomTom's bar in Adam's Morgan was fun. (as you can see, it's been a steady progression to the top, culminating in TomTom's)

Tonight'll be Hot Broth Comedy at the Comedy Spot in Ballston! For once I only have one set to do on a thursday night, so I gets to just hang out for most the show. That'll be nice.

Reasons I should not get tickets for not having DC tags:

1. DC is not a real city or state.

2. I want to spend the $100 on something cool, like the Beatles complete discogrophy, or just ten copies of Help!, or South Dakota tags (just for the street cred).

3. I am an adult who should be able to park his car in front of his own house.

4. If my money goes into the DC government, and then into the DC Metro system, I would like to at least see:

A. The Metro Station escalators move (cause some of the escalator staircases are as high as a kite, a kite that has just gotten high, and is at a Flaming Lips show....also so I don't look silly to passers-by as I stand on the unmoving escalators looking up and then looking at my watch)

B. The Metro Announcements to say something that is necessary to say. (oh really, "do not stand in the middle of the tracks as a train approaches?" and "the correct boarding procedure is to walk through the doors when they open?" and "escalators are dangerous if you ride them on your face while dying?" Thanks loud-speaker lady who sounds like she's talking to retarded people! You were worth turning down the awesome song on my Ipod for!)

C. The fat kiosk booth workers should be required to move (via walking or otherwise) at least five feet each day. (cause my job is fake and lazy enough, but theirs is so lazy, fat and fake it might actually just be a figment of some donut's imagination)

-until then, the DC gov should not get my ticket money.

5. Meter-maids who distribute tickets are short, pudgy and wobbly, and if you're short, pudgy and wobbly and not an Ewok, then you are the bad kind of short, pudgy and wobbly.

6. The only kind of tickets I like are the kind that get me into things. I was unable to get into "Hannah Montana: The Movie" with this ticket.

7. DMV? What's that stand for, Don't Mention Vaginas?! Cause it's so gay!!??

8. I wanna be treated better and above other citizens. I have no evidence to prove why I deserve this, but if people would just take my word for it, life would be much better for everyone. Or just for me, really.

Tony Woods' mediocre impression of me: 2, Eli: 0

2009-03-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

The battle continues to rage. Check here for the prequel. On monday at Tony Woods' open-mic at Takoma Station I had a set that was relatively ok. The few people there payed attention and chuckled as much as I could expect them to, given the environment. But I don't think Tony Woods saw any of the ok parts, and because the whole night was kinda empty and everyone was resigned to it, my o.k.-ly crafted sillinesses were understandably painted over with that resigned brush. Just wait till next monday, Tony Woods. I'm gonna prove to you I am funny. I want to open another room on mondays, now that the Spy Lounge is down, but I feel I cannot until I win this epic war. This war is like the French Revolution times World War II, divided by the rumble in West Side Story. The only warriors are me, Tony Woods, and a microphone. And Ryu.

Even in the face of Armageddon

2009-03-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Some moments are great, and done perfectly, as are some characters. Rorschach and The Comedian are played well and used well. But alota the other characters are just chess pieces (Veidt is particularly plastic), and alot of the story moves like a scripted chess game- one with lotsa cool moves and twists, but played out with little intensity or emotional involvement.

Most of it, that is. There are some scenes that'll blow you away; "You're locked in here with me!" Snyder knew which moments to keep. It doesn't go soft, and they weren't afraid to romantacize the Comedian even though he kills chicks, kids, etc., and lotsa the grit is intact.

Of course they can't pack the depth of the novel in one film (I think they should've made it a trilogy), but while some moments do the panels proud, others seem fleshed out with surface precision, but with no grasp of how much weight is actually there.

The opening credits, Rorschach in prison, some nice marriages of music and imagery, these are inspired...so why so much autopilot elswhere?

It's entertaining enough, and interesting enough. But that's not really enough.

Rating: 3/5.

Magooby's Joke House/ I like Greg Giraldo

2009-03-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

Come out to Magooby's Joke House this Friday and Saturday night, shows at 8 pm and 10 pm. I'ma host and Sonny Fuller's gonna rip it up as the feature act.

This is old news, but I still get a smile out of it:

Find more videos like this on aspecialthing

Leary is like the Avril Lavigne of comedy. Faux bad-ass, a watered-down caricature of his themes and "ideals." Maybe he is more like the Carlos Mencia of comedy.

Greg Giraldo is always fun. Watching his sets gives me the impression that this is the only hour of the day he'll be sober and coherent enough to be so intelligent and quick-witted, so enjoy the insights now.

Here's an interesting (though long) interview. It's also old. He hits on DIY comedy, trying to have a fam with this career, college crowds actually being dumber, the brutality of the first two years in stand-up, Rich Vos's album sucking, getting pissed at Greg Proops and how you can be on Letterman while still barely paying your bills.

My favorite interview quote: ...and not to blame my wife and children for everything, but they basically are responsible for the death of me and my career. And I try to make that clear to them every day.

IT NEVER ENDS

2009-02-27T08:53:00.000-08:00

One-Liner: I've always wanted to be a plumber, but it's just a pipe dream...

When you first start as a comic, you will, involuntarily, take into account which established comedians are in the room scrutinizing your set. I will not name all the comics that I got extra nervous performing in front of. And I've pretty much gotten over it. Once you realize that this veteran comic was also once new, knows what it's like, probably isn't paying attention to your set anyway, and at bottom is a sad, self-interested and egotistical shell, who is gonna move to Austin anyway, you just kind of stop caring about Bryson's opinion.

At this point, some new people get nervous when I watch. They are like "Man, did you like my set, it was just a bad night, I do good sometimes, I respect you so much." And I just warmly chuckle and tell them, "It's fine, I too was once not a genius." And then they say "You're so great, you're one of my favorite comics. Thank you so much for your support, Aparna."

There have been some recent nervous incidents. A case in point was at Solly's, when Larry Poon was standing in the back, watching my set. There was a nervous energy as I performed. After the set, he approached, and we both felt the uncomfortableness.

He stammered: "Did....did I do ok, Eli?"
"Yes, Larry Poon, you did a good job. You were a good crowd member," I replied.
"Ok Eli, I just wanted to make a good impression...getting to stand in the back and watch your set, it's kind of an honor, I didn't wanna mess up while you were watching. I love your "pipe dream" joke." He shyly walked, away, as I smiled and shook my head. Aw, to be young, inexperienced and impressionable again.

Anyway, there are certain comics who seem to always see you on off-nights, so when they're in the crowd, you try and prove you're funny. I thought I had proved my funniness to all the great comics in the city, until monday at Takoma Station. Tony Woods hosted, and I put it together that he's never seen me perform. So of course, I go up and the crowd rapes me with their silence, like a buncha rapists.

So now, I must prove my hilarity to Tony Woods. Oh, just you wait, Tony Woods.
I will blow you away with my riotousness. Oh, it's on. This will be more momentous than the great Jason Weems battle of winter '08.

I hope I don't bomb for Bamford tonight. Cause it'll be tough to find more opportunities to prove I'm funny to her, I have not seen her at the Spy Lounge lately.

On my philosophy degree being pointless

2009-02-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

"If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only a wild ferment, a power that twisting in dark passions produced everything great or inconsequential; if an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness lay hid beneath everything, what would life be but despair?"
- Soren Kierkegaard

"Retarded people are like God's rough drafts."
- Me, to bar-flys

let's make a picture! (munches stogie)

2009-02-17T06:46:00.000-08:00

A silent movie from college. Equipment used was from nigh 1912. Bolex and Steinbeck, like an old-school splicer. It was fun. This only makes sense if you can see that the portrait artists are drawing stick-figures at first, and I think that depends on computer contrast n' whatnot.

D.W. Griffith wishes.

A Joke

2009-02-13T12:33:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I pee in the shower..............it really annoys whoever's taking one...

I got nothin.

Cautionary tale (an apology, in words and a photo...)

2009-02-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

One-Liner: My mom thinks I turned out bad, just because I go to AA meetings........to heckle her.

I have to apologize for a recent immature act on my part. It has to do with hecklers. I hate comics who have to be mean spirited to battle a heckler. All it shows is a lack of composure and talent on the comics part.

At a recent open mic, with a particularly rowdy crowd, a certain young woman was constantly heckling the comics. It annoyed all present, but who are we to judge? It wouldn't be hard to ignore her loud claims of "You're not funny," "What a loser," "This is horrible, why don't you all just shut up," etc. Her friends didn't try to stop her, and it is alot to ask for a whole table to move to a place in the bar away from the comedy. They didn't ask for a comedy show.

The constant berrating on her part was audible over the chattering crowd, but as comics we should just let that kinda thing slide off our backs and let it go, we're supposed to cheer people up, not lash back. It is the crowds right to express their opinion. I went up, and performed a joke or two, with an ok response, considering the loud and indifferent crowd. Then her comments came, and here is where I embarressed myself. All she did was make a comment about my talent and how I look. As a comedian I should have laughed it off, or made a joke about it (but not at her expense) so we can all leave happy. Comedy should be happy.

But no, I took the immature way, and made insulting comments back. It was terrible on my part. Oh yeah, it takes so much talent to yell and be insulting. What, is calling a woman a horrible string of words, ripping into her character considered entertainment? Spitting honest hostility, laced with words I wouldn't even think around my mother, while she sits in silent anger and humiliation, like she was really pissed off, it was so funny, it- I mean no, horrible! HORRIBLE!

Some hecklers just try and help the show, some are just kind of rude, or had a bad day, and some, like her, seem to be genuinely bad, shallow people. Some would argue that for the last kind of unrelenting heckler, all you can do is shut them down. But that is just mean. Comedy is about smiles, not shutting someone down! It must be humiliating to have your personality vicously dissected in public, and even if she were that kind of person (and you could totally tell it was all dead-on, seeing her brood as it was all painfully thrown in her face, dude, along with B-bombs, C-bombs, it was gr...uh, terrible), I could have just let it go. Her whole life, everyone else has obviously just let it go, so why can't I? What's my problem?

So what if the crowd, who had ignored the show, finally started paying attention, even reacting (amused/shocked). Inexcusable. So what if after that savaging, she was silent the rest of the show. Immature. So what if the crowd voted me second place in the contest (they didn't know my name, probably just wrote "guy who yelled at the chick" on the ballot) and I got a $25 gift certificate. The bartender/host gave it to me, saying he didn't want to call me up 'cause he didn't want it to escalate, and the young woman had said if she ever sees me again, she's calling the cops. Serves me right. So what if the bartender/host said he hated her and her yuppie friends, and had a look of "thank you" in his eyes.

Someone was actually taking pictures. I feel awful, laying into that sweet poor thing. Here is a photo:

It just shows my immaturity and lack of comic talent. Her dad will probably have to give her three promotions just to make the pain go away. And it's all my fault. And I am sorry.

Heheh.

Baby, when you cry...

2009-01-30T10:49:00.001-08:00

One-liner: My friend said he's trying to "get in touch with his inner-child"...I think he's a metaphile...

I really think he had one of the best voices in rock n' roll. Like on par with Jim Morrison and Elvis. Pop hooks that'd make Roy Orbison proud. Supposedly he's a jerk, and the occult stuff is kinda wierd, but I don't see how anyone can listen to the Misfits post Glenn Danzig.

Ideas!

2009-01-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

One-liner Idea: I wanna create a prequel to "Cheaper By the Dozen," called "Thirteen Conceptions and a Miscarraige."

Movie Idea: Abunch of peasants in the middle-ages are huddled in the town square whispering "Beware the Black Death!" and "The Black Death is near!" Then a peasant yells "Gasp! The Black Death approacheth!" Then Black Death approaches, but it's Martin Lawrence in a cloak with a sickle like "Yall whiteboys so scared'a Black Death! And why I gotta be called 'Black' Death? I know the brotha die first, but damn, where White Death at?!" Then he teaches them how to dance and the peasants are like "We hath savethed the community center" and then the blooper out-takes reel is just Martin Lawrence crying.

My Comedic Career Idea: End it now.

I'm glad he won, but

2009-01-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

things surrounding this are grating. I dunno about other places, but in DC, you can't escape businesses and exploiters trying to make an extra cent in the guise of "support." "Official Inauguration Stores" hocking crappy paintings of Obama and all sorts of merchandise that belongs in a baseball stadium. On subways, ads for barber shops, "Change starts here!" In the stations, inescapable and imposing Ikea posters brandishing slogans "CHANGE starts with changing furniture in the living room!" "FAMILY VALUES start in the family room, with a new 4 piece."

All the genuine bonding and warm anticipation exist outside all of this; those feelings are real, and are being cheapened. I wasn't as invested in this as many, but if I were, I'd be pretty pissed at seeing my honesty mingled with others' smaller and cheaper natures. Two of the worst traits of our people are their obsession over financial flourishing and their empty celebrity worship. Both of those have been draped on the Pres in a grueling way.

Enthusiasm of a crowd of thoughtful people can be a good thing on its own. But this hybrid of mob support, marketing, and star mentality is making a political figure a celebrity. In turn, it's making him a demagogue. It's making ideals into dogmas, and setting it all up for a fall (and an overturning - I've been a rebellious teenager who makes a point to see through bullshit, and there are lots like that, eager to be a new kind of radical). If you have to show your joy outwardly, wear a hat with the president's name on it, I'm happy you're happy, but cut it out pretty soon. Your cause may be a good one, but you won't be helping it by turning this man into Reagan, Robin Hood and all the flags after 9/11.

Things I'm Not Supposed to Like (or: If wrasslin' is fake, I don't wanna be real), Prt 1

2009-01-14T06:23:00.000-08:00

One-liner: The only way to kill a midget is by stabbing him with a smaller, sharper midget.

Wrasslin’

“It’s fake!” So are movies. So are plays. So is my personality. But movies are still enjoyable, plays are still watchable, and I still get a hollow feeling after making people laugh.

“Oh it’s just gay, guys in tights groping each other.” What’s gay about it, is it the barbed-wire baseball bats smacking flesh? Is it the steel chairs being drop kicked into peoples friggin’ jaws? I’m sorry, is this gay?

Is this gay?

IS THIS GAY??!!

Silly soap operas with lead pipes and carnage.

Musicals

West Side Story touches me in a way it shouldn’t touch a straight man. (with its penis)

Axl Rose’s voice

It’s different, but effective. A combo of Johnny Rotten sneer, metal malice, bluesy soul, and a hyena being mutilated by 700 screeching bats, all with little Gilbert Gottfried heads (singing “My Michelle”)

Kid Rock

I know.

I know.

I KNOW, CALM DOWN ALREADY.

He’s a retard.

BUT. If someone told you, “Hey there’s this retard at a trailer park who dresses in gaudy rapper bling but raps about being white trash and before he starts rapping a midget hits a gong!” I hope you’d check it out. There’s method to this retarded-ness.

The Challenger crash

Nah, not really.

Country Fried Videos

America’s Funniest Home videos, but with rednecks, doin' stunts and throwin' stuff into other stuff. Everyone’s favorite blue-collar workin’ man comic Bill Engvall sits at a diner and provides commentary and puns. Examples:

-People lounging and eating on a dock, minding their own business, when a redneck on a jet-ski comes crashing down through their table and knocks some fat woman into the water. Bill Engvall says: “Now that’s what I call crashin’ a party!”

-A redneck woman is making stew. A bowling ball falls into it, and stew splashes everywhere. Bill Engvall: “Now that’s what I call a stew of a situation!”

-A kitten is batting a piece of string. A larger cat is seen creeping up slowly behind it. The kitten doesn’t see the other cat and keeps playing. The larger cat gets ready to pounce. A jet ski crashes through and lands on both cats. Engvall: “Now that’s what I call a stew of a situation!”……..Producer: “Mr. Engvall, there’s no stew in that video.” Engvall: “GRITS N BACON. MMM!”

A regular feature on the show is Steve McGranahan, World’s Strongest Redneck. Each segment is a video of him doing something like: chewing glass, juggling with bowling balls, bending railroad spikes with his teeth.

Things I want Steve McGranahan to do to prove his strength:

- play badminton with a railroad spike
- pull a rug out from under someone, then pull the floor out from under them
- pass a kidney stone that is actually a croquet ball
- punch oncoming traffic
- rape an oil rig
- lynch a manatee and use it as a punching bag

Things I’m Supposed to Like (and do):

MONKEYS

the antithesis of suck

2009-01-08T06:13:00.000-08:00

An Historical Over-view of Television as a Medium

2009-01-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

The television was invented.

This commercial aired.

There's nothing else worth mentioning.

long, personal, and everything I don't want this blog to be

2008-12-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

One-Liner: I wanna become a lawyer, so that after I make a great closing statement to the judge, I can drop my pants and say....."balls in your court."

Coolest set for a comic: Everyone else dies on stage, you crush.

Worst set for a comic: Me at Dhalak.

There's a music open-mic at Dhalak, an Ethiopian restaraunt on U Street, run by a cool musician named Will. I'm usually the only comic.

At comedy shows, before I perform I don't like to mingle with comics I don't know. Hopefully it doesn't come off as rude or sullen, but I don't like telling people "I'm a comedian" before I've proven it to them on stage. If you talk with a performer, or anyone before your set, and then go up and die, and then try to talk to that same person, the tone of the conversation is uncomfortable. There's a whole different vibe. They're less into knowing you.

That sort of thing makes it helpful to adopt a protective "everything at the surface is neutral" attitude, letting whatever's going on underneath go unseen and unheard.

To the worst case scenario. There was an a-typically large crowd. As the headlining band meandered through a sound-check, I was told I'd go up after them, in around an hour. I had time to order some pascetti. Two minutes later, Will says "let's throw Eli up now." Zero time to scribble a set-list, but I'm down with it.

A few words into the mic, and I've got the attention of 35 yipsters (yuppie hipsters). There's a sense that you forge and hone in comedy, that tells you something vague about the crowd, the atmosphere, the tension levels, etc. This sense was not at rest- so I should have put more thought into how I presented the first 30 seconds of my set (confidence and tone, not just which opening joke to use). That planning didn't happen, and neither did laughter. Not even chuckles. Worst scene possible = full attention of everyone, no laughs, no reaction, no one to blame but me.

The real problem, and it shot across my mind onstage, was that normally I could just bolt afterward. No lingering around to feel the judging eyes, or endure the patronizing fake compliments. "Well I thought you were funny." No you didn't.

Thing is, I had ordered pascetti, so was now under contract to eat said pascetti in said awkward room full of judgement so thick you could make love to it.

Pockets of the yipsters kinda liked the second half, and because of those one-liners, their impression (the only impression of my existance that they'll ever have) may not have been too embarassingly embarrasing. But I still count it as a loss. A 50% on a test is still a fail.

Done, I sat down in the back, making sure to not come off as too down about it. I didn't want people trying to cheer me up. But I didn't want to look all upbeat, because I don't want to come off as one of those delusional comics who thinks regular laughter is a crush, mild chuckles is "pretty good," and something like this is "all the audience's fault."

Seriously though, a bomb that brutal? That's what doing this every night of the week has earned me? I could've been at home reading in warm solitude. I know every comic, no matter how seasoned, eats it sometimes, but I'd thought I'd moved up from that "all-consuming silence" stage.

"What kinda good is doing seven sets if this still happened?" "Not worth all this?" These internal grumblings hopped around the noggin when the waitress approached. "Here's your spaghetti." I chuckled inwardly at her naive prenunciation of the word, but figured I'd be an adult and keep it to myself. As I ate my pascetti, that indifferent neutrality I mentioned earlier needed to be worn again. If ever some armor was needed, it would be during this pascetti session. It's not always a fun mask to put on, that forced indifference.

Before I could put it on, though, it became clear to me that it was already on. But it wasn't put on. There was nothing forced about the indifference I "felt." I knew what to do differently in my next set, but I wasn't motivated to change because of that inspiration from pain: "how do I heal this wound and make it never happen again?" It was some different motivation. None of the yipsters' negative impressions meant any kind of hurt or discomfort. Caring while not caring felt pretty sweet. So did knowing I'd do sets every night the rest of that week, and that it would be worth the awkward, and that it's been worth the awkward.

We ride togetha, we die togetha

2008-12-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

One-Liner: If any of my friends were shot at, I would take the bullet..................out of their corpse, if it's a nice bullet.

Come to the Mad Hatter tonight, on M St., between 18th and 19th, at 9 o'clock. I'm gonna drop jokes like they're bombs...or like they're hot...or "the ball."

People say you need to "sell" a joke. So I'm gonna start using other salesman terminology in stand-up.

So last night at The Palace of Wonders, I had trouble selling my bit about relationships. The crowd was not buying it. So I was like, "Come on, the sales pitch is perfect, I layed out the benefits of buying this joke, and gave you a demonstration." This one crowd member was like "I'm not convinced of your product." So I says "Yeah, well who wants to try a sample?" "I'll try!" Yelled a young man. "I don't believe in your product for a second, stranger!" So I says to the trouble-maker "Well come on up and try it, good sir!" So he walks up and drinks the potion and says "It's a miracle! I can walk again! Snakeskin Bill's Miracle Juice really does work!" And the crowd went nuts! Wads of cash were handed at me left and right, I could barely hand out the bottles fast enough.

But then someone yelled "Wait jus' a second stranger, the young man could already walk! I know on account of he walked up there to drink the potion!" The whole crowd gasped, n' me n' Frog-Smackin Fred (the young man) jes' looked at one another, ran to the front of the covered wagon and took off, townfolk chasin' with tar n feathers! We rode all night to my pal Bread-Screwin' Bob's place.

Then the Berlin Wall fell, and River Phoenix's ghost went around having sex with people's legs.

?

Oh hey you

2008-12-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

One-Liner: I saw a bumper-sticker that said 'Free Tibet'...I said, "I'll take it!"

Goal for tonight: Live Humans --> JoJo's --> Live Humans. That'll put me at 4 for the week so far...just counted it up, and there is potential to do 10 or 11 sets this week, to make up for the lack of performances for a week or so over Christmas.

Things That Are Over-rated:

1. Bloggers - @ the Internet Generation: congrats on being the faggiest generation since the Baroqueian Foppish Dandys of 1712. I don't know if that was a real generation, but if they were, I'll bet they were at least annoying to each other in person.

2. The exchange of currency for goods and services - Can't I just have stuff?

3. Saying Green Day is over-rated - It is a very over-rated thing to do.

4. "I know da's right" - Stop saying it.

5. The movie "Shane"- It is not given more credit than it is due, it is just rated far too many times, by so many critics and reviews. Way over-rated.

6. Not the Misfits

7. Getting to know other cultures - Different food and traditions, same douche-bags. (That is a very un-racist statement, give it some thought...new food's good though...)

8. Oats - Barley is where it's at.

9. Health Benefits - I just assume it's over-rated if I don't have it.

10. Total Recall - It should have only been PG-13. Very over-rated.

11. Inner warmth - See #9.

12. Racism - Not many people rate it highly........but it's kinda like the movie "The Big Chill"...1 positive review is 3 too many.

Comedy Stuff in the District

2008-12-15T13:13:00.001-08:00

One-Liner: Audiences are easily offended by my rape jokes....maybe cause I'm a prop comic.

Spy Lounge tonight. Come watch or perform. 2406 18th St. NW (Adam's Morgan, between Columbia and U St.)

Tomorrow: Top Shelf Comedy! Loadsa good stand-up folks. 9 pm, Solly's Tavern, at the corner of 11th and U st. NW.

"The Mad Hatter" on M st., between 18th and 19th, has some potential. I recommend stoppin' by on Wed. at 9.

Someone who is not me: Help Michkkaeal (sp?) Johnson run DC Comedy: 4 Now. He is funny, but no one man can carry that thing (God bless'm for takin it on). Blogging can be a burden, if not evenly distributed. If it weren't for this blog, the Lounge n' lotsa sets a week, I'd be all over that. I like DCC4N, it'd suck for it to not stay alive n smackin.

Coming Soon: Blog gets funny again; The Art of Watching Crappy Movies Ironically; SLASH.

full of answers

2008-12-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

One-liner: I'm really good at lying...............syke.

I just got the dvd everyone's been wanting. The one about that dark knight, spreading goodness and protecting the innocent, with his deep voice. But I wish "Coach Carter" had more extra features....

If someone tells you "I don't want to die alone," they are either kinda sweet, or they are a suicide bomber.

Dhalak should be nice n' painful tonight. Bring it, table of humorless hipsters. I will drop Pixies references like you wouldn't believe.

Then the other side of the spectrum at Temple Hills. Temple Hills is not known for it's white people. But that's fine, I like black crowds. They're the only crowds that, if they like a joke enough, will jump out of their seat and stagger around laughing. Plus there is a human impulse to hope for the underdog, and as the only white guy amidst a sea of not-white (dare I say, black?) comics, they are generally lookin' to see me succeed (and become the over-dog). I wonder if Underdog started at the bottom.

Hows about I update more?

2008-12-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

One-liner: I wake up with a different girl each morning..................which is creepy, because I wasn't there when they went to sleep...

This video is not sideways, though the jokes are similar, and it's shorter.

I was pressed for time and charged through pretty quick, the last couple bits are old.

A set at Magooby's Joke House in Baltimore

Unfortunately, I only brought one person, so was not eligible to win the contest. But the management saw, and liked. So it's all good.

The (relative) lack of work can be disheartening. But I'm not pushin' that side of things very hard. I'll take a paid gig when it comes, but your first couple years in, a strong focus on improving your craft should take priority. I see it as an art form, and don't look at myself as a product to push (yet). That'll have to change, and I'll need to look into marketing at some point, but let's wait 'till a year of this 7 sets a week thing (now 3 months in) makes me a total comedic bad-ass.

REASONS FLORIDA IS STUPID

A. They beat Bama 'cause they have some superhero quarterback that does all the work for the other faggy little gators.

B. Florida is the home of Disneyworld, and Disney exploits something with corporations in some country and blah blah blah

C. If the U.S. were a big skillet, Florida would be the handle, and it would burn you because it's stupid.

D. If the U.S. were a human body, Florida would be the penis. Hence, Florida is a dick.

E. The penis that is Florida tried to impregnate Cuba with capitalism.

F. If the U.S. were a big skillet, the rest of the country would be a big tasty pancake. Which tastes better, a big tasty pancake or a stupid hot skillet-handle?

G. The University of Florida does not allow black people to enroll. That is a fact. Just don't check up on it.

H. If Bama were a tragedy, it would be a cool one like the extinction of the dinosaurs. If Florida were a tragedy, it would be the holocaust.

I. The University of Florida publicly endorses slavery. No for real, it does.

J. If Bama were a vehicle, it would be a sweet tank with a giant bayonet on the canon. If Florida were a vehicle, it would be the holocaust.

K. If the U.S. were a big skillet, Florida would be a penis hanging off of it. Oh, I'm sorry, do you like flipping pancakes with a penis? Of course not.

At least they beat Auburn. Bama vs. Auburn was fun to listen to on the radio machine when I was a kid.

Sports

For awhile I thought supporting a sports team was kinda dumb, that there was no reason to invest in something like that, or to feel connected to a team, have rivalries, etc. Now I think I'm way the opposite. Now I want senseless gang wars. Like the way the Scots treat soccer, where the all-out brawls between fans are as important as the game. I wanna do this "Road Warrior" style. Maybe it's the nihilism and anarchy of younger days creepin' back in.

But seriously, investing in a superficial sports battle between two teams you have no logical reason to care about is as worthwile as most "honorable" fights (a phony and distracting war on drugs and smoking, an ineffective and misplaced battle against poverty, any social or political fight that guilt-ridden upper-middle class white people patronize everyone else with).

So gimme a chain, a harpoon n' a motorcycle and let's hunt down the first person wearin' colors I don't support.

Sideways Jokes in a Suit

2008-11-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

One Liner: More like I Wish I Was Deaf Comedy Jam!

Here's a video shot sideways. Like the movie "Sideways" except sorta funny.

Some hit-or-miss new(er) jokes. Top Shelf (where we wear a suit!) at Solly's Tavern, one of my favorite places on U St.

Audio is bad, so the laughter of the already small crowd is diminished.

You can barely hear the music for the one-liners, and they didn't really like 'em, hence the lack of laughter and uncomfortably long spaces. They are wrong and the jokes are beautiful. And I will defend that super-villains joke to the gates of Hell.

Here is the video i've been discussing

I cuss alot more than I thought. I'm gonna work on shavin' that down.

'Cause I wanna lose my mind faster

2008-11-20T14:12:00.001-08:00

To me, 23 is ancient. This film thing needs to happen, so another self-imposed rule: I gots to write for at least a solid 2 hrs a day. Mostly screen-play stuff, but also stand-up or whatever literary impulse has me at the moment. May not seem like too sizeable a burden, but this is on top of regular (increasingly stressful) work and the stand-up 7 times a week pact.

I'm posting it here cause for some reason that gives it a solidity, I did the same with the 7 performances weekly thing.

As if the nerves aren't hammered enough. Advanced apologies to all I snap at or am kinda rude to.

2008-11-19T06:33:00.000-08:00

Here's an impression of me in my last post: WAAAAAAAAHH.

Might post somethin' funny later today.

Top Shelf Comedy

2008-11-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight, come out to Solly's Tavern, 11th and U st. I'll be in a suit and saying stuff. I'll tell one liners like: "I'm not sure how I feel about skepticism" while classical music plays. That's why I don't get a feature set at the Drafthouse. Or Improv work.

Listen to me, all mopey.

I will delete the bitterness from this post later.

"Man that shit ain't funny." A comic said that at Damon's to a racial joke. Every other black person was laughing, but he not only got offended, but thought he should voice his opinion loudly and make disaproving head shakes and expressions to the other (non-racial jokes). He's a comic, so maybe he'll stumble on this blog.

If he does and is reading this: You're a douche and don't deserve to hold a microphone. Bite me. Faggot.

The post below this one is just plain brilliant

2008-11-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

I recommend checking it out, if you ever happen to be on my blog. (However, I haven't seen Tyler Richardson since he wrote it, and I'm a little worried...on his way out he was muttering something about "shivin' a Starbucks" and "findin' a rich white nigga and lootin' his 401K plan"...he was carrying a sharpened toothbrush and an egg-beater...that was two days ago)

Comedy Things:

One-Liner: Often, how concerned I am about Global Warming depends on how female the pamphlet-giver is.

"Laugh Out Loud" Comedy Club in Temple Hills, MD was a lota silly last night. After a very meh (but expectedly so) set for 8 people at Arlington Grill, I shot down to Temple Hills and waited a good 2 ½ hrs, gettin’ on stage a little before midnight. The all black crowd was loud, energetic, and very receptive to my brand of being a white person. Good to get that rejuvenation, since the un-ending process of getting to places and waiting your turn can wear on your mind like a chisel. I’ve tried bringing a book, or writing, but there’s too much goin’ on in and around you for that kinda focus.

Book Things:

Half-way through Slash’s autobiography. Crammed with shenanigans.

He’s a great balance of aggression and melody. I defy anyone to find a metal guitarist who could make you feel your soul like he could.

You’re welcome

ITS OVER YALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

OHSHIT OHSHIT OHSHIT!!!!!! OUR NEW PRESIDANT BLACK AS FUCK!!!!!! THA’S A FUCKIN WRAP YALL, I AINT GOTTA WORRY BOUT NUTHIN NOW, MOTHERFUCKIN RENT MAN TRY TO BE LIKE “GO LOOK FOR A JOB” I’LL WAX THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND BE LIKE “I AINT GOTTA LOOK FOR SHIT” WALK UP TO THE WHITEHOUSE AND BE LIKE “WHERE MY JOB AT” AND MY NIGGA OBAMA BE LIKE “AIGHT CUZ, HERE YA GO,” SHIIIIIT, BE A DOCTOR OR SOME SHIT. HOW YOU GONNA TELL ME GET A JOB WHEN OUR PRESIDANT BLACK???!!!! I WISH SOME CRACKER FAGGOT WOULD TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!! I WISH HE WOULD!!! I’LL STOLE HIM WIT MY FIST, SHIT IM TRYIN TO GET PAID!!!!!! PARTY IN THE WHITE HOUSE YALL ILL BRING OVER SHAWTY N SOME LIQOR N SHIT CAUSE NOW THEM RICH ASS WHITE NIGGAS GOTTA PAY FOR MY SHIT!!!! OH SHIT I CAN DO WHAT I WANT NOW ITS OVER YALL!!!!!!! WE ONE THIS SHIT!!!!! OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!!!!!!OH FUCK OH FUCK OH SHIT OH SHIT IMA GO BEAT THE SHIT OUT SOME WHITEBOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TY_LER RiChARd$ON

lazy friday

2008-10-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a copy and paste from a facebook note. Feel free and weigh in, or don't weigh in.

Top Twenty Comics (no order after first 3):

Steve Martin – Hi there logic, mind if I make you more fun? The best of all time, to me. Let’s make crazy an art-form.

Eugene Mirman – Proves that any sense of humor, no matter how absurd or “out there,” can be communicated to a crowd. I’ve never seen funny just flow so naturally from someone. Easily my favorite working comic.

Zach Galifianakis – When I realized I didn’t want to always slap on a happy face for an audience, (why should anyone? there's nothing worse than making people laugh when you're down) it was relieving to discover this man and his style. Number two favorite working comic.

Eddie Murphy – Sigh.

Mitch Hedberg – “If you wanna meet me in the back, I’ll be…(points to back of room)……..surprised…”

Bill Cosby – It’s so much harder to be funny talking about clean, soft topics, and he made those things like family, kids, and sunshine-gumdrops as funny as any comic made anything, dirty or not.

Bill Hicks – ‘The Outlaw Comic.’ Sometimes politically sophomoric, a little less profound than he (and most people) obviously thought; but he’s the one comedian who refused to water-down his anger by becoming a caricature (Leary). His hatred was real, that hostility came from the depths of whatever twisted, black, malicious pits of his soul needed exorcising.

Richard Pryor – No other performer’s so consistently made me mutter “how the hell do you do that?” Subtle, over-the-top, absurd, humanist, bright, insightful, worn, exposed, hysterical, inspiring, tragic, scared, undefeatable.

Sam Kinison – Used comedy to spit those demons out, right in your face.

Jerry Lewis – Martin and Lewis were an anarchic Hope and Crosby. Say what you will about his movies, when he took the stage he became insanity, pure and unmitigated.

Eddie Izzard – Smart and physically expressive.

Chris Rock – Too many times you hear the phrase “so-and-so is the next Lenny Bruce.” Wow, you know a historical reference to comedy. Chris Rock is not the next Lenny Bruce, but he’s got a healthy dose of Bruce, Pryor, Murphy, and alota things all his own.

Dave Chappelle – No amount of people over-quoting his show can make me sick of his stand-up zaniness. Maybe the least pretentious intelligent comic/person.

Conan O’Brien – I really hope he doesn’t tone down the “what the f?”-ness when he takes over the tonight show.

Doug Stanhope - The comedic equivalent of an ECW no-holds-barred street fight.

Redd Foxx – Grumpy old racist black man. And someone gave him a microphone.

Bill Burr – So many comics and artists are claimed (or claim themselves) to tell “the truth,” the truth usually meaning reciting some simple “liberal” dogma everyone’s heard before. But this guy’s honesty sidesteps any label, political or otherwise. Since the “everything’s black-and-white” group mentality can’t comfortingly place him into a single category of opinion, he probably won’t ever reach the fame he deserves.

Demetri Martin – “I think dream-catchers work…..if your dream is to be gay…”

Andy Kaufman – Not strictly stand-up……not strictly human…

Emo Philips – “what the f” incarnate.

Honorable mentions: Norm Macdonald, Greg Giraldo, George Carlin, Rodney Dangerfield, Patton Oswalt, Ron White, Maria Bamford, Mike Birbiglia, Harland Williams

Gay Marriage? Or Marriage is Gay?

2008-10-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

One-liner: My girlfriend said I'm delusional, and have repressed homosexual feelings...I said, "Thank you John Cusack, I have been working out."

People my age are gettin' married. Lame. Ever been to a friend's wedding? I thought it'd be less boring than other weddings cause it's a friend of mine. Nope. Still as boring as their lives are gonna be from now on.

Went to a friend's wedding, I didn't really stick around for the whole ceremony. Someone was filming the wedding proceedings, and I didn't know he was filming me as I left the church. Oh well, I kinda quietly exited the church and did my own thing; I was captured on video here.

I wish I'd known I was being filmed.

This reaches me. His guitar sings those notes like they're lyrics, and he sings the song as a statement of our confusion, defiant and scared.

Top 20 Movie Deaths, Prt. 2

2008-10-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Here's part two of my top movie deaths ever. I couldn't fit every single great death in, so if you have suggestions for deaths that should be acknowledged for their sweetness, go ahead and mention them. Some honorable mentions: "Gunga Din," the shark in "Jaws," Mifune in "Seven Samurai," the end of "Sanjuro," "King Kong," Johnny Boy in "Mean Streets" and a whole ton more. There's no real order to these, and there are some spoilers here.

The Joker’s Magic Trick, “The Dark Knight”

I like that the Joker just carries around a #2 pencil, in case Batman tries to fight him with a multiple-choice test on a scantron…

Other magic-tricks the Joker should turn into grisly deaths:

-Pulls a bunny out of a hat, except the bunny has a gun and blasts the mess outta everyone.
-Makes a dove disappear, by sticking it beak-first into the table, than smacking a guys head through it.
-Makes a #2 pencil disappear…by wiping a cloth in front of it and hiding it in his sleeve! …..then a bunny shoots everyone…

Christopher Walken loses Russian Roulette, “The Deer Hunter”

If you can sit through the drawn-out exposition and slower scenes, this movie’s got some powerful moments. You ever cradled your best friend in your arms as the blood and life pour out of his head from a bullet blast, just after he says some phrase like “One shot” that was said earlier in the movie in reference to something else, but calling it back in this context renders it more meaningful? Probably, but not in another country I’ll bet, and I’ll bet it wasn’t Chris Walken…….I hope that before there were guns, people played Russian Roulette with a bow and arrow…

Gun is mightier (and bulletier) than the sword, “Raiders of the Lost Ark”

After seeing some fancy sword-play, Indy just pulls out his piece and claps Foreign Bad-Guy #12. This made me crack up as a kid. I coulda gone with the face melting, or the heart ripped out in “Temple,” or the disintegration in “Crusade,” or my last traces of faith in cinema in “Crystal Skull,” but I went with the comical. George Lucas is as valuable to this earth as rape. Barely.

Toshiro Mifune gets pummeled with like a million arrows, “Throne of Blood”

I knew Asians were into acupuncture, but goodness.....I’m sorry if that was kinda racist and cheesy...

swiss cheesy, with all those holes, am I right?.......alright, starting now, nothing cheesy or even a little racist......

...but really, all Asians do all day is shoot lots of arrows into people and eat rice........ok, starting now, no more racist......

...you’d think he’d be able to avoid the arrows trajectory, being so good at physics and math….ok, starting now..............

......the Yellow Ranger was a sneaky communist who sold Gremlins....ok, starting Mou....as in Chairman...

470 or so random schmucks, “The Wild Bunch,” “Hard Boiled,” “The Road Warrior”

These are three of my favorite action movies, and I just felt they should be on the list I guess. “The Road Warrior” is a western in the apocalypse (so lotsa deaths have to happen just to make the setting).

“The Wild Bunch” has the best gunfight in any medium; the only fight that comes close on screen is John Woo’s movies, and the only fight that comes close in the written word is the gunfight that is written in the screen-play for “The Wild Bunch.”

And like most early Woo, the violence in “Hard Boiled” is poetic, and it has the most Asian fatalities since Hirosh-….starting now.

Peter Jackson chain-saw tunnels vertically through an alien's body, “Bad Taste”

Aboard the alien vessel, Derek plunges chain-saw first through the top of the lead alien’s head, burrows through his entire body, comes out through his crotch, maniacally states “I’m born again!” then puts on the alien’s skin as a disguise, preparing to land on the alien’s planet and chain-saw some more of those punks. A great splat-stick moment.

Graboid cliff-dives and explodes on rocks, “Tremors”

Footloose out-foxes footless. Sorry for that last sentence. I think this is the only movie series that rivals “The Land Before Time” for having the most unnecessary sequels (after like 8 movies, they should have reached ‘Time’ by now). There are so many sequels for movies like "(B)land Before Time," which I don’t care about, but then no sequels at all for “Aladdin 3”…just two prequels. I don’t care what happens before “Aladdin 3,” I care about what happens after. The first “Tremors” was great.

(Robo) Cop slaughter, “Robocop”

Gross. It’s one thing to have a limb cut off, but to have a limb blown off? Nasty. Lots of disturbing deaths in this movie, but this gang-bang of bullets edges out the rest. At least he came back all metal and stuff.

Side-note: If I ever am in the position to shoot/kill somebody, right before I do it I will always say: “So be it…..Jedi.”

If I were about to go out by way of the electric chair, I’d want the executioner to use those words, wouldn’t you?.....And I’d want the Robocop music to play as I go…

Major Kong rides a bomb into the apocalypse, “Dr. Strangelove”

He rides the bomb as if it is a horse. Some may say it is silly that he rode a bomb, and that you should instead ride a horse. But I think it would be silly to ride a horse. You see, the horse would just flail around in the air until it splats onto the ground. There would be no apocalypse, just a splattered horse.

Patch Adams murders his patients then offs himself, “Patch Adams”

This one took me off guard. The tone of the movie really shifts in the last 15 minutes. I’m guessing most people quit watching by then. Robin Williams comes into the room with his red clown nose on and glassy-eyed, sentimental smile, he a tells a joke, the sick people laugh, and then something changes in his eyes. He softly whispers “Stop. laughing. at me.” He pulls out a shot-gun and unloads on the nurses, sneaks up behind a patient with a walker and breaks his neck, fills a comatose man’s IV bag with battery acid and pumps it through his veins, then sits beside the bed of an old lady with a breathalyzer, removes it, puts his clown nose onto her, covers her mouth, stares into her fear-paralyzed eyes, and whispers “sh-sssshhhh” as he slowly suffocates her. He then walks past a sick child who’s innocently laughing at the whole scene, and enters a room with a gun, alone. We here a final shot as the screen goes to black, a Nietzsche quote, and then the credits roll over the child’s continuing laughter. It was MESSED. UP.

DEBATES WAS BS

2008-10-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

AIGHT YALL I JUST GOTT DONE WATCHIN THE DEBATE N SHIT N I JUST GOTTA SAY THAT WHITE BITCH CRAZY AS FUCK. SHE ALL TALKIN SOME “SOCCER MOMS AND ECONOMY” AND IM LIKE THE FUCK YOU SAYIN WOMAN? YOU TAKE YO ASS BACK TO ALASKA CAUSE AINT NOONE WANT YOU HEAR ANYWAY, SHIT, WHAT ALASKA GOT ANYWAY? HOW GONNA BE PREZIDENT YOU LIVE IN SOME PLACE IN CANADA OR SOME SHIT N FIGHTIN WOLVES N SHIT. THAT’S SOME BULLSHIT. SHE BOUT FINE AS SHIT ‘DOUGH ID BE LIKE HEY SHAWTY TAKE DEM GLASSES OFF N LET ME GET ALL UP IN THAT, I SHOW THAT WHITE GIRL HOW WE DO IT IN AMERICA NOT IN SOME FAGGOT-ASS COUNTRY LIKE ALASKA. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT DON’T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU GONNA FIX OUR COUNTRY YOU CANT EVEN FIX YOUR STUPID ASS ALASKA, ALL LIKE “WALL STREET AND BLAH BLAH BLAH” SHIIIIIIITT. AND WHOS THIS OTHER MOTHERFUCKER CRACKER FAGGOT? I WATCHED THIS JUNK CAUSE I HEARD THE PRESIDANTS GONNA BE BLACK SO WHOS THIS WHITE MOTHERFUCKER? THATS SOME BULLSHIT. IF I WAS THAT BIDEN GUY AND SOME WHITE PIECE OF TRIM WAS TRYIN TO DEBATE ME ID SLAP HER, SHIIIIIITT ID BE LIKE YOU AINT GONNA BE PRESIDENT BUT YOU STILL KINDA BAD, AIGHT BOO, GO MAKE ME SOME FOOD.

AIGHT YALL ILL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON ALL THIS POLITICS SHIT, PEACE OUT

TYLER_RICHARD$ON

March 6, 2009!!!

2008-10-01T07:43:00.001-07:00

2009 might be a great year...look at what we got:

We got Conan taking over The Tonight Show and injecting middle-america's boring comic sensibilities with a dose of scatter-shot absurdity. We got the "Watchmen" movie blasting away the idea that only reality-based films can be taken seriously. We got me jumpin offa bridge onto a train, ridin' it out west, scammin’ small towns as I go, tellin' them they need a band and selling them instruments and stuff a la "The Music Man," and rockin' comedy stages all over.

2009 might be a horrible year...look at what we got:

We got Conan taking over The Tonight Show and watering down his quirky humor to fit the narrow confines of what makes the average tired, old "Mr. Leno never had a cactus playing a flute" couple laugh and/or cough up nasty old-people stuff. We got the "Watchmen" movie missing everything that was great in the book, turning a philosophical and poetic masterpiece into second-rate Hollywood "flare n' fast-cuts." We got me jumping off a bridge and missing the train, breaking both my legs, small towns out west going about their normal lives, and comedy stages sitting empty with just a microphone on it while I just kinda lay by the railroad track with my legs broken.

March 6, mothafaggots!!! “Who watches the Watchmen?”

I do; lets see if my tears will be of giddiness or of despair.

Top 20 Movie Deaths, Prt. 1

2008-09-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Ten of my top twenty movie deaths. Lots missing, had to cut deaths that are great just 'cause of pathos, etc., or there would be too many. That's why deaths like Gunga Din, Gallipoli, King Kong and many more aren't on here.

Wheel-chair guy gets smacked by a freakin’ machete, “Friday the 13th Part 2”

“The guy in the wheel-chair’s not gonna die…no way will they kill the guy in the wheel-chair…I mean no way they would-”MACHETE TO THE FACE! Then he rolls backwards down steps with a freakin MACHETE IN HIS FACE!

Jason is a very un-p.c. killer. He’ll off the handicapped.

What’s he gonna do next, kill Cuba Gooding Jr.’s retarded character in “Radio,” by beating him with his stupid shopping cart? (or with the crappy script...or with a FREAKIN’ MACHETE!?) Or beat the retarded guy in “The Goonies” to death with little Corey Feldman…

Daughter infects her parents, “Night of the Living Dead”

Creepy kids in horror movies = overdone. How many bluish-tinted movie previews set in a scary house with some little kid with a British accent saying something ominous do we have to see before the characters realize you can just punch a little kid in the head and it will probably die, no matter how ominous or British it is.

BUT. This is like the scariest scene in any movie. She eats her parents. They shoulda waxed her. When the zombie invasion happens, let this be a warning to doting parents everywhere.

Ash blows up a dead-ite's head with a shotgun, “Evil Dead 2”

“I’ll swallow your soul! I’ll swallow your soul!” “Swallow this.” BLAM!

The combo of shotgun and campy one-liner throttles this one up into my list. Seeing a shotgun in a movie does for me what seeing a wedding in a movie does for a chick (makes me all giddy).

So a shotgun in real life probably does for me what a wedding in real life does for a chick. Now I gotta combine the two…I wanna sit at weddings with a shotgun, n’ wait for the moment the priest says “If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your piece.” *Shotgun cock*

Vince accidently blasts Marvin, “Pulp Fiction”

This is awesome…that’s what she said! HAHAHAHAimatool.

But for real though…didn’t expect this to happen so fast…that’s what she said!...HAHA...wait no…

But seriously, best surprise death ever…“Aw man, I shot Marvin in the face!”…that’s what she said! (she was in a car with Sam Jackson and accidently shot Marvin in the face)

(Double Death!) Vader chucks the Emperor over the rail, then Vader dies, "Return of the Jedi"

“Now young Skywalker…you will die.”

Servant kills his master to save his son and redeem himself. We’ve all been there. Darth Vader looks silly without his mask. “Go….leave ME.” Heheh. Cracks me up.

Sonny gets tore-up by like 20 Tommy-Guns, “The Godfather”

Man, like 20 Tommy-Guns! He’s got more holes in him than a Harry Potter plot-line. OH SNAP SUCK IT ROWLING! Seriously though, he gets capped more than J.K. Rowling should cap off her stupid franchise (and career) by leaving it forever...ok, no more digs now, and in all seriousness, he gets more holes put in him than J.K. Rowling after I shoot her with like 20 Tommy-Guns.

Cornelius the ape shoots himself, “Planet of the Apes 3”

This is kind of obscure. I think these movies kicked-off my love of downer endings. I was young and in my formative years, and watching an Ape shoot himself through the mouth after seeing his wife and infant slaughtered had to mess something up in my brain…pistol suicide…this is how you take yourself out…none of those girly 'pills'……Heath…

James Cagney blows himself up on a tower, “White Heat”

Way better ending than Scarface, same theme. “Look ma, top o’ the world!” This is how ya take yourself out…none of that girly ‘shooting yourself through your ape mouth’……Cornelius…

M. Night Shyamalan’s career, “The Village,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening”
The man’s lost it. Maybe his career was dead all along, just like Bruce Willis in Shyamalan’s “The Sixth Sense,” but we’re just now realizing it…I just wish that, like with “Sixth Sense,” people had given away to me that it was dead earlier, so I could have spent the $8 that went to “Lady in the Water” on something more worthwhile, like a testicle amputation.

Guy bouncing off the propeller, “Titanic”

Guy: “Aaaaghhh I’m falling!!!” *DINK* Me: “hahahahahahha!!!! ‘Dink!’”
*rewind*

Most hilarious 3 second death ever. I would love this movie if they just reversed things…3 seconds of some rich chick discovering “freedom” by meeting some lower-class, free-spirited cliché, and 3 hrs. 27 mins. of people bouncing off propellers, the “dink” noise making me giggle like a school-girl who’s just been asked to the prom, or who’s just watched a guy bounce off a propeller.

Dear University of Maryland,

2008-09-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself.

8 pm, Queen Anne's Chapel, UMD.

Me and Hampton and Aparna are gonna rape that place.

University of Maryland?

More like University of VeryGrand (cause my jokes are grand)

More like University of Merryland (cause the land will be merry when I'm done)

More like University of VeryBanned (cause i'll be banned 'causa my scathing truths)

More like Universe City of NaryGland (cause there will be nary a humor gland in tact once I destroy)

More like University of CherryBland (cause poppin' your cherry will seem bland compared to my comedy)

More like University of Faggotfaces (cause you're a bunch of faggotfaces)

From,
Eli
(ghost-written by Ohio University)

P.S. - Your mascot is a pretentiously named turtle.

Long ago, we laughed at shadows...

2008-09-15T07:48:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things:

One-liner that needs structuring: I refer to my girl as my “special lady friend”……because “retarded lady friend” sounds so mean…

Spy Lounge tonight. It’ll be tight.

Co-headlining Damon’s Grill in Baltimore on the 28th. Time slot is 20 minutes or so. My guess is it will be 5 minutes of material, 15 minutes of fighting for my life.

Movie Things:

Eric and I went to see “Disaster Movie” on Saturday. Yep. Payed money, in theaters. This one tanked, and I thought I wanted these guys’ careers to die. In “The Dark Knight,” the Joker tells Batman “You complete me.” I can’t imagine a world where these horrible movies don’t exist. I need something to fight. And I’m gonna wear Joker make-up while I do it.

Screen-play is coming along. Re-treading some old ground, but since I actually wanna make it, it’ll kinda be the first fleshing out of that old ground, all those sketches aside (no one’ll ever see ‘em again anyhow).

Music Things:

Recently visited Mobile, Alabama. Hung out with Greezy and John and such. Saw my alternative reality (if I hadn’t moved). Alcohol and punk rocknroll. I was sad the music scene had kinda dispersed, though. I enjoyed Greezy’s album. Wish I woulda made it with him.

Listen to Warren Zevon and drive. Makes you feel alive.

A current favorite. Only he could make being old and dying sound bad-ass.

Read these:

Gallows Humor

Garfield Minus Garfield

Watch this: Rudy Ray Moore. He rhymes then blows up a car with a shotgun.

The D.C. gun-ban has been lifted. In unrelated news, I’m going to a pawn shop after work, and then inviting George Lucas over for dinner.

Show Review and Mick Foley

2008-09-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things

One-liner: I go for suicidal girls......jumpers are easy to catch on the rebound.

From last wed. to this wed., got up 9 times. Keep it up, I might get kinda good at this junk, or get diabetes or something...so tired...

Show review: Wiseacres, 9/10/08

Last night at Wiseacres, people were dying on stage. It was rough. Performers like Will Hessler and Tyler “The Faggot” Sonnichsen fought a bad crowd as I sat in the shadows in the back, considering going up. Andy Kline, the host, rushed up to me. “We need ya kid! We’re hopeless without you! Please, Eli, please go onstage, for old times sake!” Without looking at him, I took a slow drag off my cigarette. “Those days are far behind me, Andy. I don’t go up anymore. Not since the accident.” Andy swallowed hard as he looked down at my prosthetic hands.

Bryson Turner went up, and after three minutes, just gave up, saying as he walked to the back “No one can handle this crowd. No one.” The audience gave him some pity applause; as the clapping died down, one slow clap remained, coming from the back. All the comics turned towards the slow clapping, to see me emerge from the shadows. There was a hush followed by whispering, out of fearful respect, or because they were wondering why I was wearing an eye-patch. I walked to the stage, and took off my prosthetic hands, because it is easier to use my actual hands. I conquered. I gave everyone in the crowd a funny-boner. It is said that I was so funny, someone went blind. He looked directly at my one-liners with no shades on. At the side of the stage I heard someone on the phone: “Steve, steve, it’s you’re cousin…Marvin Martin…listen to this!” *holds phone up* Steve Martin went back in time and got famous from my funniness. That’s where his “Take My Breath Away” act comes from (and his sexy flowing locks). After the show, Jon Mumma approached me, stammering something about wanting to be best friends, and forming a comedy duo. “Sorry kid, I fly solo” I said as I ruffled his 1920’s paper-boy hat, and walked away, as he looked on, shaking his head in admiring awe.

From legendary wrestler Mick Foley’s autobiography:

After all these years, it’s still the most impressive sight I’ve ever seen – the muscular Snuka standing barefoot on top of the cage, his face a mask of crimson, while flashbulbs bathed him in light…it was the day I knew without a doubt what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a wrestler, but even more, I wanted to make people feel the way I had just felt.

Who hasn’t had a moment like that? I’ll keep mine to myself…

But if you’re not tryin’ to be something cool, like a wrassler or a comedian, I’ll bet that moment was a little less exciting:

After all these years, it’s still the most impressive sight I’ve ever seen – Henry with his nasal voice and low-self esteem…it was then I knew I wanted to be an employee for the government. And jump off fuckin cages.

After all dese yeaars, it still the most imrpesive site I ever seed – Wilbur wif his blue vest and funny voice and helmet, saying “Hi welcome to Wal-Mart.” It were then I knewed I wanna be a Wal-Mart greeter like my friend Wilbur………...........................TRAINS!

After all these years, it’s still the most impressive sight I’ve ever seen – Vern, he was a total a-hole, a faggot piece of crap who was popular in high school but so dumb he couldn’t do anything else in the real world that’d give him any kind of respect, like I mean a totally disposable, moronic waste of flesh – it was then I knew I wanted to be a cop.

And finally...

I am not making any 9/11 jokes! People are VERY sensitive about that, and I am not about to push the envelope on this one…I’ve only done one 9/11 joke in my life, and trust me, it won’t happen again...I didn’t intend for it to be mean, I remember it well…it was on 9/11 in 2001…just as a joke, I had a bunch of airplanes fly into buildings…ever since that joke, people have been very un-receptive to 9/11 jokes…so I don’t want to offend anyone again.

Instead of make cheap jokes, I think today I will hang out with a lady. More like fine-eleven.

'Play from F'n your heart' (no jokes up in this)

2008-09-08T07:49:00.001-07:00

Comedy Things:

The time has come. 7 nights a week.

Movie Things:

I said I’d post more on this.

I’ve seen a few “Bill wouldn’t want a movie made about him” comments. I don’t believe it, though. He spit at the mainstream, but at the heart of it all, he was a romantic. The theatrics and cowboy theme in “Revelations,” coupled with the ‘dark-poet,’ hail rocknroll image tell me that Bill would love a movie about himself, just not a crappy one.

A crappy one it could easily be, but an entertaining, shallow movie would be an equal injustice. If I could tell the filmmakers one thing, it would be: don’t use this biopic as another medium to get Hicks’ messages across. There are several CDs and filmed performances for that.

Undeniably, some of his bits need big-screen treatment – smoking, the war bits, ‘play from your fucking heart,’ and of course ‘the hooligans’ – if not to help define him as an artist, to exemplify his meteoric impact on comics to later tread his stages (and themes – less successfully). I love the legend, the cocky swagger and the cool nick-names (‘The Outlaw Comic,’ ‘Waylon Jennings of Comedy,’ ‘The Dark Poet’), but I want an exploration, not a one-sided praise-piece. I want to peer into the passion of the guy. That’s his appeal, for me. I never thought he was a genius, I even think he was a bit naïve about some things, but he was always clever, usually funny and sometimes brilliant. Always passionate: every word of hate was real hate, no lash out was contrived or forced. He was vicious, and owned a room like a pit-bull owns a backyard.

Two rules of stand-up comedy are: slap on a smile even if you’re not happy; or if you’re an angry comic, be angry in a self-mocking, cartoon-ish way, we don’t want the audience to feel threatened. Hicks had the nuts to do what every comic wants to do when he retreats and, painfully smiling, says “No you guys are right, that was too far...” Pulling this off in the era of comics wearing colorful stuff and bending over backwards to accommodate everyone made it especially cool. For a comic, I imagine it was better to watch him tank than to watch any assembly-line comedian hand out crushing jokes to an adoring crowd. Like a self-styled train-wreck, aiming right for the people who can’t stop watching. (Ok no more analogies, also this is way too long)

My hope is that in detailing his explosive, abbreviated life (he took off at age 32) the movie will look into what pushed him to this edge, along with the paradoxes that came with it. What made this guy who, going into it, swore to not touch drugs or drink become a notorious alcoholic, drug-abuser and chain-smoker after just a couple years; what should we think of his fierce attacks on peoples’ notions of heaven and higher beings, when he himself had such an unmovable faith in both an afterlife and a loving God; he was literary and philosophical, yet believed in the primacy of a screaming stand-off: how did he justify this intense anger and hostility with the (sometimes buried) compassion and morality in the skeleton of his material?

Movies might be the best art-form we have for attempting to glimpse the motives and soul of a person. Of course the myth should be kept in tact, but I hope the film-makers don’t waste the opportunity to try and illuminate the love and workings of a talented, complex, flawed, passionate and fascinating person.

Don’t blindly praise, have the balls Bill had. And make it black and white.

"Go on, get outta here!" sob

2008-09-03T07:48:00.000-07:00

I’ve never had to force an animal to leave me, out of love for it. Like at the end of “White Fang,” when the dog would be better off without the kid so he just has to let go and is like “Go on, get outta here!” and forces it away. Or at the end of “Titanic” when that chick has to let go of the dude because he will be better off sinking into the frigid black abyss of the ocean. It’s in countless movies.

It’s settled – I gotta buy an animal that I can force away from me for its own good.

I’m not sure what the perfect animal for that is. I recently tried it with a few. Here are the results.

A dog – This was too predictable. Everyone chases a dog away out of love. I should’ve known better. It stayed with me for a month, then I brought it outside and was like “Go on, get outta here!” It very happily went. And 3 of my CDs are missing.*

A turtle – I chased it away out of love 2 weeks ago, and it’s just now made it to the street in front of my house. It will probably be run over.

A cat – Unexpectedly, I fell in love with this cat. The cat began sensing my neediness to it, and decided I would have a better life without it. It brought me outside, for what I thought was to play. But when it through a stick, and I went and got it, and turned around, it was gone. That night, heart-sunken and drenched in rain, I looked through the window to see my cat reclining in a chair with the TV remote, and I simpered away. I wandered around for days, then was like “wait a minute…”

A fish - I tried to chase it away with “Go on, get out of here!” , but it wouldn’t go, which I find somewhat rude. The water was only a few feet away, it would have had such a better life in it. But instead it just kinda lay there gasping.

A Bryson Turner - This is one that I chased away out of hatred. After the constant nagging me for help with his material, asking for tips with ladies, and pleading with me to go before him at Wiseacres so he can have a warmed up and happy crowd, I finally chased it away. I threw a stick, which he chased probably because he thought it was a penis or some such, and then I left. It will wander until someone sees it and thinks “Hey, a wild Bryson” and takes it in.

A manitee – I do not like manatees. So I did not take it out back and chase it away like in those movies. I did take it out back, however. Remember the end of “Old Yeller?” Picture that but with a club.

*The CDs the dog took were “Three Dog Night” the soundtrack to “Dog Day Afternoon,” and “Dog - The Musical”

Mr. Bockbagawk – A Tribute

My friend from down south had a wonderful pet rooster, and I hope he made it to the west-coast, like he and I always dreamed. We're gonna be high-rolling gentlemen one day, Mr. Bockbagawk. One day.

Mr. Bockbagawk, probably about to put on a suit and hop a train while "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey starts playing in the background.

"You have failed me for the last time, Admiral." (or: I rape George Lucas bloggy-style)

2008-08-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things:

Three One-liners that should not have made the stage:

-Man, my girlfriend is LOOSE………………..if you see her, call Oak Ridge Mental Hospital.
-Last night I got a standing ovation…..a moving standing ovation, half-way through my set.
-I have never run from my fears……..but I have run from the minorities who cause them.

Movie Things:

I’ve mentioned declaring war on three people in the movie business. One of them is obvious. The original Star Wars trilogy combines the funnest aspects of pulp action, fairy-tale simplicity and rapid-paced imagination; the closest thing the last century has to a mythology…the original Indiana Jones trilogy was the incarnation of thrill, humor and wonder…

Person I will battle with my acerbic wit #1: George Lucas

…what happened to these monuments of euphoric escapism? Well, you know how the original Coke was great, but then when they tried to re-make Coke, the new Indiana Jones movie blew harder than Katrina?

George Lucas, contemplating how to destroy something I loved as a child. Or contemplating pork chops. The two looks are kind of the same. I also loved pork chops as a child, so he will probably try to add crappy CGI to them.

I’m not alone. Check out this comic in this treat of a blog by a friend of mine who used to do stand-up and sketch comedy.

Some facts about George Lucas; reasons he should be destroyed (one is recycled cause I like it):

-- There are only five artists who should be censored by law. Three of them are George Lucas. The other two are Kevin Costner and George Lucas.
-- George Lucas once called a studio producer a sell-out. Somewhere a pot murdered a kettle for being black. (Lucas causes hate crimes)
-- George Lucas wrote and directed the Bubonic Plague. Test audiences said “OW. SHIT.”
-- Drawn on the other side of George Lucas’s beard is a treasure map that leads to where dreams die.
-- If George Lucas was a book, he’d be “A Series of Unfortunate Events.” If he was a movie, he’d be “The Great Dictator.” If he was a song, he’d be a fat, hacky, charcoal-haired rapist.
-- Hollywood made a biopic about Satan, and out of two actors, chose George Lucas to play Satan. The other actor was Satan.
-- If George Lucas is a “film pioneer,” then all Conquistadors were cultural preservationists, and all pedophiles are funnel-cakes.
-- 9/11 was George Lucas in disguise.

There will be more of this kinda stuff, also aimed at two other fellas in the film world. Through bloggin’ and stand-up, I will topple these agents of artistic decay. Let the revolution begin.

I have some tricks up my sleeve, but it will be an arduous journey. When scared, I am reminded of this quote:

“I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.”
“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
-Theodore Roosevelt (both parts, to himself, he was kinda schizo)

PS – Yep, the only trick I have up my sleeve is to throw George Lucas into a mountain of fire.

Baltimore and Bill Hicks

2008-08-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things:

"Dangerous Minds" Comedy Show

Sunday, August 24, 2008
7:00pm - 11:00pm

Milbrook Park Center

6806 Milbrook park Drive
Baltimore, MD

Me, Russel Parham, Miss Nae and Larry Lancaster. Hosted by Desi Alexander.

$15 I think? Free parking.

Movie Things:

Eh, it had to happen.

So much could go wrong, so much could go right. I'll probably post more on it later.

Rudy Ray Moore, Suckas

Show Review: Larry Poon and Crucial Element

2008-08-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

As I sat down at Solly’s Tavern, the show already had a strike against it. This is because I was sitting down. Meaning I was not performing in said show. So how good could it be? I managed to overlook that glaring flaw (though I don’t think the audience did…they all looked disappointed and ready to do something about it, so I had to mime the “no its ok, it’s cool” expression so they wouldn’t get up in arms about it).

First to the stage was our host, Jay Hastings. He was a good host in that he warmed up the crowd, but a horrible host in that he offered me nothing to drink or eat, and often wandered to the other side of the room, leaving me with no-one to talk to. Not a very good host, in that respect. Southern comfort indeed.

Next up was Tom Myers. Our totalitarian administration is still holding its side in pain, after that verbal Comanche-assault of poison-laced truth. As one of the docile masses, I must admit to feeling a little uncomfortable, being exposed to all that truth, and all those societal-taboos brought into light and questioned.

Next up was Jay Hastings……for like 30 seconds?! He didn’t even tell jokes! He was just like, “one more time for Tom Myers, and please welcome your next performer,” What kind of a stand-up set is that?! That feature set needs fine-tuning, friend.

Larry Poon took the stage. He wears a red jacket that says “POON” on the back. Now, I like Larry…so it almost saddens me to have to do this. But I feel it’s my responsibility…I saw Larry Poon 2 ½ weeks ago…doing almost the exact SAME JOKES AND SONGS. That’s right. The “Love Will Tear Us Apart” song, the “Hustlin,” the joke about the crowd “boring the shit out of me”…all done 2 ½ weeks earlier, to a completely different audience….and this crowd just went with it, unaware of the monstrous hoax being pulled over there trusting sheep eyes. But not this guy. It is my duty as hard-bitten journalist to tear down these deceiving demagogues, and rip apart the curtain hiding the “Wizard of Oz”…and this phony wizard’s name is Larry Poon. And he lies to crowds, and hides behind curtains pretending to be a wizard even at age 39 or whatever. If you're a wizard, ask yourself for a new heart, Mr. Poon. What happened to Larry Poon, “champion of the people?” Seems these days you’ve become more Larry Poon, “not champion of the people at all.” We’re not laughing WITH you, Mr. Poon…we’re crying….AT you…it just comes out sounding like laughter, WITH you.

Next Jay Hastings came up again, and I thought to myself, “Ah, he’s going to give that feature set another try, and redeem himself.” Nope. “Let’s hear it for Larry Poon, now please welcome Crucial Element.” He tried to spice up his feature set by changing a couple words (‘Larry Poon’, instead of ‘Tom Myers’), but no dice. Mr. Hastings, you’ll need to add at least 5 more words to that set before it’s HBO material.

Crucial Element were very solid. The white guy had a striking resemblance to comedian Ryan Conner, and the black guy had a striking resemblance to the other six black guys I’ve met in my life. That is not a racist comment. In fact, Crucial Element did more to kill racism than Abe Lincoln did when he decided that, even though he didn’t like them, giving black people freedom and the right to vote would benefit his rich white people even more, and besides, high school textbooks years later would probably over-simplify our country’s ubiquitous racism so liberals could all blame the south and feel comfortable with themselves. This was the jist of Crucial Element’s message, I think, I dunno I was staring at the ground because I was intimidated by the black guy.

After the show, I spoke with (no longer Poon) Tony Graczyk, who was in the back, wearing his jacket that says “TONY GRACZYK” on the back. He asked if I could give any kind of advice, and though he came on a little strong and needy, it was nice to be able to help out and encourage a young upstart, even if he is 46 or whatever.

During the whole show, Jared Stern sat in the back of the room being very creepy.

I Like Lists

2008-08-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

COMEDY THINGS:

Go to Solly's Tavern Tonight

1942 U street NW at the corner of 11th St and U st
$5

Larry Poon, Crucial Element, Tom Myers, Jay Hastings. For $5? Nope, I'm not kidding. Deal of the century. Or of the saturday. I might not make it on account of recovering sickness.

Coming soon:

-War on 3 people in the movie biz.

-Top twenty deaths in movies (saw Evil Dead 2 again last night, got inspired).

RUDY RAY MOORE FIX

MUSIC THINGS:

Here's my top 30 songs, with little to no hilarious/insightful commentary, making it even lazier than the top twenty movies post. If I thought about it, I'd probably come up with 30 more I like just as much. "Why would you over-analyze music? How can you categorize something so subjective and ineffable?" Like so:

So Long, Marianne – Leonard Cohen

Adagio in G Minor - Albinoni

Like a Rolling Stone – Bob Dylan

Stand by Me – Ben E. King

Train in Vain – The Clash

She Doesn’t Exist – Robyn Hitchcock

Tender - Blur (second best love song ever)

Catch the Wind (pref. slow version) - Donovan (best love song ever)

Airscape – Robyn Hitchcock

Jokerman - Bob Dylan

Black – Okkervil River

Sweet Child O’ Mine – Guns N’ Roses

Desperados Under the Eaves – Warren Zevon (can't wait to listen to this on repeat when I'm an old washed up alcoholic...too damn pretty for it's own good...I should not love stuff that romanticizes despair and isolation so much, but eh...)

I Won’t Back Down – Tom Petty

Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division

Basket Case – Green Day

Tomorrow is a Long Time – Bob Dylan

Time After Time – Cyndi Lauper

Friday I’m in Love – The Cure

Bad Reputation – Freedy Johnson

A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall – Bob Dylan

Express Yourself – N.W.A. (used to listen to it on the way to stand-up)

Behind Blue Eyes – The Who

Please Don’t let me be Misunderstood – Eric Burdon and the Animals

Baby, Let Me Take You Home – Eric Burdon and the Animals

Yellow Ledbetter – Pearl Jam

Ruby Tuesday – The Rolling Stones

Waterloo Sunset – The Kinks

Runnin’ Blue – The Doors

Medley in Abbey Road starting with “You Never Give Me Your Money” and ending with “Carry That Weight” – The Beatles

Runners up: Going Underground - The Jam, Many Rivers to Cross - Jimmy Cliff, The Harder They Come - Jimmy Cliff, What Do I Get? - The Buzzcocks, Venus - Television, Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan, Whoa Back Buck - Leadbelly, What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding? - Elvis Costello, I'm Kind of Attracted to Guys and Not as Cool as Eli

Bigfoot

2008-08-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26220505/

Please...please...please let this be real. Just give me this one. I know what kinda odds are against me here...I know people will do alot for publicity....but just give me this........

If it is real, I will write five one-liners about bigfoot. If it is fake, I will write a single one-liner about never believing anybody again. Just like when my brother told me my parakeet was still alive, and that I just had to dig him out of his "hiding place" and make him move myself, like I did with action figures. Parents stopped letting their kids play Ninja Turtles toys with me after that...because that parakeet was the worst of Shredder's henchmen ever...and because I was 21 years old and they didn't want their kids playing Ninja Turtles with a 21 year old. But that was a good year and a half ago, so let the past be the past...

Here's to the future. Hopefully where Bigfoot's existance is proven, and people won't look at me weird when I insist that there actually are such things as UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and the holocaust. I'm sick of getting strange looks from friends, and my anti-semetic father. And my anti-semetic Tyler Richardson.

They reveal it in like two hours. It would be sweet, wouldn't it?

I'll never tire of zingin' Tyler.

Hatin' Speech

2008-08-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things:

Politically conscious one-liner: I think our government is kinda like Hugh Grant…like, even at it’s best…it’s still an annoying British fag.

Take it, government! That’s right, I don’t do non-consequential, politically apathetic jokes. I believe in making a difference. I hone my craft as a weapon to topple fascist empires and corrupt regimes. I defend the defenseless, that they may be free.

This is what happened, the last time I told that joke.

(That was me in the beginning, in front of the fire, having told the regime-destroying joke)

PS – I am declaring war on three individuals in the film industry. More on that later.

23 years old. Are you f’n kidding me? How’d that happen? So far I’ve gotten to open for my hero, and that’s it. College was great (usually), but sometimes I really think I shoulda dropped out of high school, as was the original plan. I might be further along.

I am young compared to many comics. Whoopty-queerin’-doo. 5/6 x a week is supposedly a lot, but then there’s always Seaton and Bryson to humble me, what with their 8-9 x a week. I need to stop being a little ‘5/6 x a week’ biznitch and get on that.

Scanning the above, I’ve realized I integrate a lot of what some people may call “hate speech” in my blog. I am actually very open-minded, and this is what I mean by the words I say:

1. When I say “fat” I actually mean “culinarily free”
2. When I say “ho” I actually mean “Mrs. Career-haver”
3. When I say “black” I actually mean “Tyler Richardson is adorable, and black”
4. When I say “retarded” I actually mean “injun”
5. When I say “queer” I actually mean “faggot”
6. When I say “injun” I actually mean “lover” (so from #4, when I say ‘retarded’ I also actually mean ‘lover’…...what can I say, they are easier to impress as lovers…lighting a match makes me magic…and I can be a prophet if I say ‘the gods are not pleased’ and then flip off a light-switch and making howling-wind sounds...)

If you’ve a problem with my “hate speech,” then voice your opinion against me, but be warned, it will constitute “hatin’ speech.” I don’t think “hatin’ speech” is much better.

Music Things:

I like to pretend this song is about comedians. Some say it’s about the devil, or some abstract metaphor, but he uses the word “Jokerman.” Mayhaps I just wanna feel linked to Bob Dylan in some way. I love that he picks a harmonica in the wrong key, then just casually looks for another one, on national t.v.

Here ya is.

too tired to be funny...

2008-08-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Comedy Things:

Come to the Spy Lounge tonight. 2406 18th St NW.; 8 p.m. Last week had a decent turn-out. T-Rich will host, I'll be there, but might not throw-down, on account of I thought I was healed more than I actually was last week.

Tired and lazy, so here's a copy-and-paste job from an f-book note.

Top Twenty Movies Ever (No Order After #1, Changes Farelly Often)

1. Raging Bull (Scorsese) - I first saw this when I was younger and angrier, and I hope I never can empathize with LaMotta quite like I did then. That said, there’s no bolder look into a seemingly unforgivable man’s soul than this one, and none done with such lyrical revelations and unconventional pathos.

2. Seven Samurai (Kurosawa) – Samurai = friggin sweet. Samurai for 320 mins = friggin sweet times 320. SEVEN Samurai for 320 mins = 3.23444 squared, times 12.8, divided by watch this friggin movie.

3. The Seventh Seal (Bergman) – Contradicts everything I believe, with intelligence, entertaining existentialism and mocking hostility. No movie’s scared me like this has.

4. The Big Lebowski (Coens) – This is Eli’s co-worker typing. He went to the restroom. I’d just like to say that all he does is sit at his desk all day looking at pictures of John Cusack while Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” plays on repeat. He is racist, sexist, and comes into the office with no work ethic. Or pants. It is really disturbing, someone please speak to him about this. (I assume he won’t re-read this before he posts it)

5. On the Waterfront (Kazan) – Before Brando’s career shrunk and his gut inflated, he was quite a heart-throb…not that I care about that…I care that he makes us feel this down-and-out dock worker turned moral victor, and I care about his inspiring monologues…and how his rugged handsomeness render his soft, boyish charm irresistible…

6. Psycho (Hitchcock) – Psycho?! What is this about? Women??!! AM I RIGHT GUYS??!!

7. Citizen Kane (Welles) – People always argue this as great because of “what it did for film,” or “how pioneering it was for it’s time.” Screw that. I argue that as a stand-alone work of art, pitted head to head with the films that owe so much too it, regardless of time and history, almost all other movies still lounge in its shadow.

8. The Godfather (Coppola) – “Oh, how predictable.” Go blow yourself.

9. The 400 Blows (Truffaut) – This kid can act. After he runs away from home, just watch his face, and read the frustration and suffocation, the longing for something indefinable. Anyone who has felt like they have no home, can look into his restless eyes, and feel at home.

10. The Circus (Chaplin) – The Circus?! What is this about? A relationship with a woman??!! AM I RIGHT, GUYS??!!

11. L’Avventura (Antonioni) – The emptiness of hedonism and the futile attempt to ignore a moral code.

12. Goodfellas (Scorsese) – Why two by Scorsese, you ask? Cause he makes movies that move like rock n’ roll, and this one’s a fast epic, and a thrilling portrait of a man’s achievement and fall from his version of the American dream.

13. Annie Hall (Allen) – Annie Hall?! What is this about? A woman??!! AM I RIGHT, GUYS??!!

14. La Dolce Vita (Fellini) – It took me around four viewings to acknowledge this as one of the best. Fellini’s themes of depravity are explored almost subconsciously; there’s no evidence of film-class formula, and his natural grace as a filmmaker is a minor miracle to witness.

15. Casablanca (Curtiz) – Dunno how something can be written so perfectly.

16. King Kong (1933) (Cooper) - This is Eric Janeczek typing. I somehow got a hold of this, at Eli’s work. I’d just like to say that Eli is far funnier and more talented than me, and I have a huge crush on him. I am really, really gay. Like, extremely gay. Did I mention I’m a flaming faggot?

17. Dr. Strangelove (Kubrick) – Peter Sellers = proof that a sad life can bring joy to thousands. Sucks about his life, though.

18. Wild Strawberries (Bergman) – Wild Strawberries?! What is this about? An elderly man contemplating how his past losses amalgamated to design his stoicism and regret-littered life as he stares down his own mortality??!! AM I RIGHT, GUYS??!!

19. City Lights (Chaplin) – No one could move so fluidly from hysterical physical mêlée to understated melancholy like Chaplin. Our tragi-comic plight, perfected on celluloid.

20. The Idiot (Kurosawa) – This is some really hot chick typing. Eli’s away from his computer, probably with lotsa other hot chicks, which makes my bosom throb with jealousy (yes, bosoms throb), cause he’s like the sexiest person ever. If sexiness was a person, it would be Eli, and if Eli was an abstract concept, he’d be sexiness, or some Kandinsky-esque abstract painting, that represents sexiness, that makes my bosom quake. Bosom.

"Wolverines!"

2008-08-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Three one-liners that will never make the stage:
-This half-black girl’s giving me mixed signals.
-I finally became an existentialist…cause it was just meant to be.
-I told a sorority girl “keep it real”…seven of her body parts fell off…including her personality.

Movie Things:

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/a96320/mgm-lines-up-robocop-red-dawn-remakes.html

Yep, re-makes of “Robocop” and “Red Dawn.” In Red Dawn, high-schoolers Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen defeat communism with their rag-tag squad of students turned soldiers, the Wolverines.

One of the characters shoots the mess out of a helicopter and then yells “Wolverines!”

I doubt they’ll be fighting communism, so the title “Red Dawn” will make little sense. Here are my suggestions for who they battle.

What I hope they fight:

1. Terrorists
2. Nazis
3. For their right to party
4. Totalitarianism
5. Democracy
6. Stephen Hawking (except he’s real big)
7. Their own internal struggles - By sitting around and emotionally talking a la “The Breakfast Club.” The all fix each others internal problems by exchanging words of support. Except Charlie Sheen, who pulls out a gun and shoots Anthony Michael Hall’s low self-esteem in the chest and yells “Wolverines!”
8. Postmodernism
9. The ghost from “Big Trouble in Little China”
10. Wolverines – Soldier sees wolverines attacking, points and yells “Wolverines!” Then shoots at attacking helicopter, operated by wolverines.

COMEDY THINGS:

DC Comedy Fest this weekend, and politics aside, it should be a-ight. I’ll be doin Solly’s on sat. night, then haulin’ across town to do the E.J.s Semi-Finals. Then mayhaps the Laughing Lizard, if there’s time? Yep, 3 in a night. Suck it, normal life of peaceful evenings (i.e. happiness).

A couple comics have mentioned how at some point they just started going up onstage unprepared and tried to be funny off the cuff. I really wanna do that, wonder if I’m ready. Think so. Great skill to have, Justin Schlegel is (was?) a maestro of riffin’ on whatever catches (caught?) his eye. If he’s reading this, it will seem like ass-kissing, so now I need to say something to get back my 'cred' and put him in his place. Justin, you’re a danged faggot. Oh, you’re tired of touring Canada? Waaah. Hear that? That’s the world’s tiniest violin, playing for you and some dude on a romantic date, on account of you’re a faggot. And don’t wear an Optimus Prime shirt on a first date. That’s how you lost me. And why would you hire the world’s tiniest violin for a date? You are just silly. Hold me.

Solly’s Tavern: 11th and U st., NW. Saturday, 7-10 pm. $5
E.J.s Landing: Some hotel in College Park, Saturday, 9-11 pm. $5.